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    Fathers & Sons
    dfromspencer posted:
    I lost my father last night. He passed away at 10:10pm., and I never got to say goodbye. He almost made it to 87 years old. He fought in W.W.2 against both the Germans, and the Japanese, and came out alive. We were all very proud of our father! He, like most of the vets that managed to come home somewhat unscathed, worked his whole life. The whole family loved him. He was such an honorable man! Never stole anything, never asked for anything he couldn't get on his own! Never had any problems with the law, like I have! I am the black sheep, I guess? My problems have been many, help has been few! Some say its all in the lineage, I do not know? I am the third boy in line of four, three boys and one adopted girl. My mother could no longer bear children after me, they swear its not my fault. My mother is no longer around, she was murdered when I was 17/18? So, my father was my only parent throughout most of my 54yrs. of life!

    I didn't get to say goodbye! I could not go home with my brother yesterday because I had no one to watch my pet rat. Some may think that is no excuse, I beg to differ, he is like my family, also! I could not leave him alone for how long? I had no idea how long my father might live, or how long it might be before his funeral? I didn't know, I didn't know!!! And now, it doesn't matter, he is gone!!! I can only hope he remembered me telling him I loved him the last time I did get to see him? It is highly doubtful. He was suffering from a form of dementia, he would repeat himself always. Even if he had just told you something, he could turn right around and tell you again. He could still remember things he had done as a kid, his memory was as sharp as ever. I will miss him, I do miss him!!!

    After all the asking of my neighbors to help me, and all the no's, I could think of nothing to help me! I could NOT THINK of anything that might help me get to see my father!!! All I had was a blank wall upon which I could write the answer, and yet, nothing came! No, nada, nil, nothing!!! This morning, after hearing my father was gone, the most obvious answer came to me! I could have bought a smaller cage/aquarium in which I could easily have transported my Bubba! I have a rotten mind! I have short term memory loss, and some long term! I take all kinds of drugs for chronic pain, morpine, lyrica, oxycodone, all of which mess with my thinking! Its my fault! Its all my fault I never got to say goodbye to either of my parents! I was away when my mother died, and now, I was away for my fathers passing! It is my fault, especially for my fathers passing!!!

    How does one live with that knowledge? HOW???
    rohvannyn responded:
    I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing, Dennis. Especially with the circumstances as they are. Don't blame yoruself for not thinking clearly enough. Those medications can have a major effect and make it very difficult to think in the best of times, as you know. Then it's twice as hard when it's an emotional topic. Meanwhile, you were trying to balence your responsibilities and do what was right.

    Look, I don't believe in God but I do believe in the human spirit and I think your father would be proud of what you are trying to do with your life. Somehow, he knows you love him especially now that he is beyond all that confusion and pain and is finally free.

    I think his line did pass on to you... you may have made mistakes, but you have decided consciously to be a god man, and from everything I have seen, you are one. That's something to be proud of.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    dem53 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Hi dennis, it is me dem, i am sorry about your dad., i lived with the same thing when my aunt passed, the last line is really wonderful, when a person passes . what matters in life to them becomes no longer important to them, he loves you always fir who you are, u think you should keep a journal, write down the favorite things that you did together. i lost my train of thought on what i was going to say. i will try and finish it later
    fcl responded:
    I am truly sorry to hear about your father, Dennis. From what you say, he was a great example of what a good man should be. Turn your mind to all of the special times you spent with him, to all of the proud moments. You had 54 years of excellent quality time with him, don't concentrate your energy on this one time. Not being there when he died does not negate all the positive things. If you could have, you would have.

    Do you meditate? If you do (or even if you don't), go somewhere peaceful and beautiful and say goodbye to him in your heart.

    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    darlyn05 responded:
    Hey Dennis! My condolences. I'm sorry to hear of your fathers passing. It sounds as though he led a joyful and fullfilling life. I think what you are feeling and thinking is more common than not in this circumstance. I for one, of probably 2/3's or more of the worlds population, missed my fathers passing as well.

    I like and agree with what the other responders wrote. I especially like FCLs' suggestion of finding a nice quiet spot, maybe one your father would enjoy or a place the two of you were at together, to say and do what you feel to honor him and say your goodbyes. I have a hunch that your father understood/understands and that he was/is proud of the person you've grwon to be.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:

    Though words are always insufficient at times like these, I am sorry for your loss.

    I know it is tempting to be angry with yourself - if only you had thought of how to get there, if only you were able to say good-bye, if only... The problem is that this kind of thinking is motivated by wanting to make the situation better. But, sadly, it cannot. It can only hurt you. Beating yourself up for what you failed to do is unfair to you (you did the best you could) and does not help your father. Instead, look for the good to hold onto. Think of the good memories of your father. Consider how hard you try to be a good man and how your father was part of giving you that. You've made mistakes as we all have, including your father, I'm sure. Honor your father by continuing to love the man as he was (the strengths, the weakness, the successes, the failures). And honor your father by loving the man he raised - you.

    I'd also like to share a poem that touches my heart in these situations. I hope it touches yours, too.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep.
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow.
    I am the diamond glints in snow.
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
    I am the gentle autumn rain.

    When you awaken in the morning hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush
    of quiet birds in circled flight.
    I am the stars that shine in night.

    Do not stand at my grave and cry.
    I am not there. I did not die.

    dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Thank you, Roh! I do believe you are right! A long time ago, I decided I should have taken my cue's from my father! His work ethic, his confidence, his devotion to his family! All of it! I should have been more like my father! Most people say they do not ever want to be like their parents, but we are. No matter how hard you try, there will be traits you pick up subconsciously. I believe I had some, but the drugs and alcohol washed it all away! And when I woke up, I made a commitment to myself, and my father (he did not know this),to do my very best all the rest of my life! I have kept that pledge, and will keep it for the rest of my life!

    I know he loved me, no matter what I may have done, how can you stop loving your son? I thought about that, I can never stop loving my son, no matter what he might do!!! The same goes for my daughter! You cannot stop loving someone that has come from you, you just can't! My father never used to say he loved us. At night, when we went to bed, we lined up top to bottom, myself on the bottom, and my two brothers above, and we would hug our father and tell him we loved him, and we got back an uh huh, me too. The last five or so years, he started to say I love you, back. The first time I heard that, it startled me. Even tho I knew for a very long time that he did.

    Roh, I do not believe there is a God, either! Sure, there have been many things people have idolized, or worshiped, but I truly believe the Indians had it right? They worshiped their grandfather! And thru the years we have taken grandfather and made him into a God. That is what I believe! I do not try to push my belief onto anyone. Everyone has free choice! I believe that this life we live is only a preparation for our true life! One we will live forever, free of pain, or worry, or anything!! We will be filled with love and tenderness!!! It is possible, right? I hope so, I hold onto that. And after thinking, and reading all these responses, I truly believe my father is experiencing bliss!!! I believe he is filled with love and tenderness, and is surrounded by his loved ones that have gone before him!!! Thinking like this, has helped me tremendously!

    I may have muddled thinking sometimes, but everything happens for a reason. This may be a Karma type thing, I just don't know? I no longer believe I have anything to be sad, or mad about? When a loved one dies, we should rejoice for them, not weep copious amounts of tears! Unless they be tears of joy? I am making my muddled mind believe what has to be true! Once we rid ourselves of this cumbersome body, we will truly free ourselves, and live forever!!!

    Thanks again, Roh!!! You are a true friend!!!

    dfromspencer replied to dem53's response:
    Thank you, Dem! Its been a long time! I hope you are well? I hope you found another counselor? And, I hope our son is doing better!

    I would love to write you all the things in my heart, but I am tired of typing. Please read what I wrote to Roh! That goes for everyone!

    You take care, and do not wait so long to come back here!

    dfromspencer replied to fcl's response:
    Thank you, FCL!

    I would love to write to you in this case, but I have typed so much. Please read what I typed to Roh. That is for everyone!

    Thanks again!

    dfromspencer replied to darlyn05's response:
    Thank you, Darlyn!!! (He he he, this sounds like something I would say to a wife, or girlfriend)? LOL!!! (Hgmm hgmm, clears throat) Sorry, couldn't resist!

    Seriously, thank you for those wonderful words!!! I am sorry to hear that you too, missed your fathers passing!!! It hurts a little more that way, I think? There is supposed to be a reason for everything that happens in our lives, I just don't know what they are? I guess we have to wait to find out?

    Thanks again, and please read what I wrote to Roh, that is for all who wrote to me!

    dfromspencer replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    Thank you, Dr. Becker-Phelps!

    No truer words have I ever heard! I was angry at myself, and yes, those "If Only's" were hurting more than anything! I was indeed beating myself up, and that was not helping me! Nor was it making this situation any better! It is unfair to me, and no, it will not help me, nor my father! Thank you! It is your words, and the words of the other posters that got me to thinking the right way about this!

    I could go on and re-explain it, but I hope you will read the words I wrote to Roh? They are for everyone!!!

    And thanks once again, another time you have helped me! Maybe I should start paying for your services??? However, if you charge more than say, $5 dollars an hour, I could not afford you! Therefore, I was only joking about paying for your services. Sorry!!!

    Take care, Dr. Leslie!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Dennis, I'm glad that you feel so supported by everyone here. As for paying me, it is, of course, not necessary. However, you know the concept of 'pay it forward'? People do good things for you, so you do good things for others. I see that you respond to my support and the support of this community by 'paying it forward' and I hope you continue to do this. It benefits you and those others whose lives you touch.
    tmlmtlrl replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Dennis, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I'm glad you have some level of peace with it now. As sad as they are funerals can be a nice time to rejoice in someone's life and to catch up with loved ones. I always like to hear other people's memories of someone. Things you didn't know about or things you forgot that happened. I personally think that's all easier when someone was able to have lived a full life such as your father.

    Take care Dennis (((HUGS)))

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