Skip to content


    Attention All WebMD Community Members:

    These message boards are closed to posting. Please head on over to our new WebMD Message Boards to check out and participate in the great conversations taking place:

    Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
    Includes Expert Content
    Hurt - need to get a tougher skin
    Anon_11642 posted:
    Hi - don't want any of you to think I am a constant complainer.

    I'm coming here tonight just to vent and isn't that what this site is for? I wont make it long.

    My daughter lives 2-1/2 hours from here - she mentioned and I agreed that when they have grandparents day at her son's school who is 9 years old I would like to go and she agreed.

    Well, my daughter was gone Sat and came home today - went on a business trip with her husband and her mother-in-law sat with the kids. She told me she was coming there anyway for a music seminar - she teaches piano.

    Thanks to the internet I looked up my grandson's school and find out the grandparents day was april 25 - last Friday - that was also the day her mother-in-law came to babysit and know she went to the school that day for her grandson's grandparents day.

    OK - I feel hurt - husband says not to mention it to our daughter. He is probably right - I know life isn't fair - and I am a sensitive person - I told my grandson when I saw him at Easter that I wanted to come when they have grandparents day - anyway, my daughter never mentioned it - she has no idea I checked on the internet and looked up the school calendar.

    Sometimes it's better not to know things - I was curious and now I'm sad.

    Anyway, I guess I wont say anything - guess husband knows best - I need to go with him on Thurs. anyway to the eye dr for a checkup as he's having problems seeing since his cataract surgery and he wants me to come with him and I will.

    Anyway, thanks for listening - guess we just put our hurts in a trash can and forget it - right? We will all have more hurts before we die so we need to get used to it.

    Thanks again for listening.
    Reading on this site that Dennis had 1 year anniversary for quit smoking - you are to be commended - congratulations. Smoking causes so many health problems - now I hear that 4th graders are selling pot in Colorado and wondering what is this world coming too. How much worse can it get?

    I don't understand that situation either.
    sluggo45692 responded:
    Hello Good Grandma,

    Don't ever worry about coming here to vent. I know I like hearing from you. My mom live 30 minutes away from most of her grandkids. She has 6 kids, 2 step kids, 26 children & 8 great grand babies. She can't be there for everything and we don't ask her to. Christmas would bankrupt her if she bought for all of them.

    I feel your husband is right, but here's why. The other grandma was there and your daughter & SIL were thinking about there trip, not about your request to be at a school function. It hurts. I know. Your not being overly sensitive, just feeling a little left out. Like you said, Your 2.5 hours away and with the price of gas, a 1-3 hour school function may not have been worth it. Seeing grandchildren smile is priceless, I know.

    I'm sure your daughter didn't mean to offend or hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt or offend my mom, but I know I've done it. If mom talks to me about it, I apologize and we go on and I try to do better next time. We are only human.

    Good Luck

    P.S. Our world hasn't changed, but our view has been expanded and now is instant access to all the doom and gloom the TV & internet can put out there. 110 years ago, they hung horse thieves. Today a car thief gets 6 months in jail. No deterrents.
    Anon_11642 replied to sluggo45692's response:
    I am still hurting so I just texted her saying - very innocently - hey, was wondering when the grandparents day is at my grandson's school.

    It is just an innocent thing the way I stated it and wont make her mad - I'll let you know what she says in her response. I am praying she doesn't lie to me.

    Thanks for your good and helpful comments. I doubt she would do this to her mother-in-law.
    Anon_11642 replied to Anon_11642's response:
    It turned out ok - again, my imagination went wild - all I said was I was wondering when the day was.

    She had to go on a business trip that Sat after that Fri grandparents day and her MIL came on Sat to babysit so neither her nor I went. She apologized as she knew I wanted to go but it was just a bad time for her and she said it was just little over an hour.

    so anyway, feel better but still glad I asked - if I hadn't asked I would have never known and would carry that sadness for several days. I guess knowledge is power right?
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:

    Thank you for your commendation on my quitting smoking! It was hard to let go of my constant companion, but I needed to, so I did! I am so glad I did, my breathing was getting bad. Now it is better, but I still don't feel like I get a full breath? Will talk to doctor on the 13th of May, I hope she can help?

    I think Sluggo is right, and how you handled it, also! Sometimes, us grandparents get left out, it is just a fact of life?! We did the same to our folks, too! There are mitigating circumstances in all things in our lives, sometimes, and we have to deal with them as best as we can?! We may not always understand why people act in ways we don't understand, they just do? I'm sure we did too? I know when I was young, and not long after our second child, we were always so harried with we have to do this, we have to do that, well, what about this other thing, etc. etc.

    Yes, life can be hectic, but we try as best we can, to fit our parents into our lives, do you remember? I know we had little time for ourselves, let alone having our parents with us, too?

    I am glad you handled that tactfully, there was no screaming and yelling, which never gets anything done?! You were very graceful, and I will bet your daughter thanks you for that?! You may never hear it out of her mouth, but she does!

    Thanks for coming, and you can rant, or rave anytime you want to!!! We will try to be hear for you, always!!!

    Good luck, to all of your family!!!

    sunflower1943 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Thank you Dennis for your kind words and glad I can come here occasionally to vent.

    I have never had a thick skin but am always trying to be stronger with the disappointments in life that come my way.

    There isn't one person walking around on this planet that isn't carrying around some problem or sadness.

    Again, good luck to you and keep up the good work!
    dfromspencer replied to sunflower1943's response:
    Hi Sunflower,

    You are most welcome! Please feel free to post here any time! You don't have to be upset, or angry to post here? Just come around and read what others are having problems with, and if you can, help them out with your wisdom. We grandparents have lived though our hells, (sorry) our trials and tribulations. So, we carry with us a knowledge some of the younger posters could use. So, like I said, please feel free to make this site a second home, like I have? I love to help others anytime I can!

    Like you said, you have never had a thick skin, who would want that? But you are always trying to be stronger with the disappointments in life that come your way?! That is life itself! Full of snags, pitfalls, but we get back up, and try harder the next time! This is the kind of help you can offer to others. Feel free to give it a try?!

    I wish you better luck with your family!!!

    sluggo45692 replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Hello Sunflower,

    I got a little confession. I've been kind a slack in seeing my dad lately. The last couple of years, I have made sure to see him at least once a month and take him shopping. He's fixed income and gets his check on the 3rd.
    The last 4 months have been crazy. Gf getting new job, her mom in nursing home with Dementia and her dad's self imposed bed ridden situation, Boy Scouts, 4H, and other things.
    My sister has taken up a lot of my slack and I shamed my brothers in to see him more often. 3 of them live less than 30 minutes away and I live 1.5 hours away. I seen him more than they did..
    I got a phone call yesterday and he invited me to breakfest on Monday. I realized I hadn't been there and he sound really hurt because I hadn't been there.
    So yes Sunflower, sometimes your silly, crazy, and busy children need a nudge. I am not angry at my father's call. I'm angry at myself because I need to see my parents more.
    My gf's mom may pass on with in the week. My gf has already lost her mom mentally and soon it will be physically. Some times even if it stares you in the face, you forget about the ones you love.
    Don't feel bad to call, text or email reminders. We will still love our parents.

    Good Luck
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to sunflower1943's response:
    Hi, Sunflower. I realize that I have not responded befoe to your post here. It's simply because it seemed that Dennis had really been helpful. As for you developing a thick skin, you may need to do that, but I suggest that (in addition to reaching out for support here and elsewhere) you really take the time to comfort your self about these things that upset you -- much as you'd comfort a good friend. It can help support you through your struggles, enabling you to move forward rather than staying stuck in the pain.

    In any case, I want you to know that I'm glad you came here for support, and I hope it is helpful.
    sluggo45692 replied to sluggo45692's response:
    Hello Sunflower and everyone,

    Breakfest went well with dad, but we weren't able to grocery shop due to the cold rain. Dad just can't handle it any more. He's 75 years old. I got my hugs and well wishes. Some days I really wish we lived closer. Then there are times I'm glad we don't.
    My father is an alcoholic. He has been all my life. I don't want to expose my son to the lifestyle. I also want my son to only have good memories of his grand father. A falling down whiny drunk is not a good memory. Dad usually stays sober when my son is around.
    I hope your family has a good Mother's day planned for you. Visiting and flowers are on my agenda for my mom. I hope the gf mom last until after Mother's day. Next year will be very hard on my gf. Her mom has dementia and is on the final stages at the nursing home. It's day by day for her now. Remember to hug and love your family every day.

    Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:
    Hi Sluggo,

    I am so happy you still have your father, mine lived a very long life, he passed away at age 86. My father used to drink beer, and even smoked cigarettes when we were little. I think i was about 4, maybe, when he gave both up? Never drank again, well, i take that back, the doc told him a glass of wine every night would do them both good, so they did, for a while. He never smoked again, tho! He was sick from emphsema? Not sure how that is spelled? He got it from the company he was so loyal to, Bandag, they were tire recappers, i guess? The fumes, and the rubber dust finally laid waste to a very strong individual! I could see the hurt in his eyes when we went down to visit. He tried to hide it, he was a Marine to the end!!!

    I hope you at least have a few good memories of you and your father together? Once they are gone, they are gone for good, if you have no memories?! I have many of me and my father, some even not so pleasent. When it was time for diciplne, you don't run, it will only add to the punishment, we stood there, and took it. My mother, she hardly ever punished us, at least not the way our dad did?! Oh, we would get an occasional smack upside the head, once i got it right in the kisser, for calling this morbidly obese lady fat. I can still remember trying to count the stars that had suddenly come out in the doctor's office?! When my vision returned, my mother wasn't even looking at me, i got to my feet, and started crying, of course. I was maybe 4 or 5 at the time? I learned my lesson, you don't say things that may be true, to peoples faces, use tact!!! LOL!!! I can remember wiping the blood off my lips, and smiling at my mom?! The lady i offended, i blubbered out an apology, as that is what i was expected to do? I figured that one out quick! Ahh yesss, sweet memories!!! That is all i have left. I hope you at least have a few fond ones?!

    I will wager a guess that your wife has pretty much said good bye to her mom? My father was experiencing dementia also, and it was robbing him of memories, and he would keep repeating the ones he didn't lose. I almost dreaded going down there for a visit? I was afraid to see how much that disease had taken from him! He was steadily willing himself to die, he said it, and i believed him. He did, he finally got that peace he was looking for! I wonder sometimes, are we doing the right thing by them? I have seen older folks fighting off the nurse, or doctor, all because they wanted to die in peace, and not keep suffering?! Are we doing what is right, or is this our guilt for not being better children? Most think that just because they borne us, raised us, that we somehow owe them? So, when its time for them to go, we hold onto them for dear life, why? It only prolongs their agony? Right? I still think dr. Kavorkian had it right?

    Another mothers day, another day to remember them, when they were happy! If they are still with you, cherish these days! They will become memories soon enough.

    Always remember to say i love you to them, one day, you may not have that?

    Sluggo, i am glad for your son, he gets to see his grandpa!!!

    Take care!

    sluggo45692 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Hello Dennis,

    I feel blessed every day I have my parents around. Mom is a 5 year breast cancer survivor. Dad has COPD, alcoholism, and cancer. Both still heavy smokers. I had lost all grandparents by the time I was 24. All basicly through smoking. Between emphysema, cancer and a trailer fire caused by a lit cigarette.

    My wife's mother mentally is gone and physically is failing fast. Her father is a self imposed bed ridden person. He won't seek help or won't do any thing to help himself. Everyone must bow to his wishes. He's 300 plus, CHF, 2 ppd smoker, and complains why no one wants to visit him. My wife visits her mother 3 times a day now. Hasn't see him in over a week.

    Yes, I celebrate having my parents around and try to have my son experience them every chance we get. We are all getting older and need to stay connected to our past. Our children need to know where they came from to help guide them to where they are going.

    By the way everyone, my gf and I got married about 6 weeks ago. I think this one will make it.

    Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:


    I have been hoping you two would get married!!! My feeling, this whole time has been, those two will be a strong couple, if, no when they get married? And you have! Hopefully, we will be celebrating your 40th anniversary, right here on Web.?!!! Hmm, maybe 50? Naw, 60 is more like it!!!

    I am happy for you, i feel so elated right now, if my knees were not under my desk, i think i might float?! LOL!!! You have just made my day!!!

    Thank you, my friend!!!

    bigred53 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Congratulations Sluggo! I hope you two have many years of happiness together!

    dem16 replied to bigred53's response:
    congrats sluggo, i wish you many years of happiness together

    Featuring Experts

    Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist, who is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotio...More

    Helpful Tips

    Relationships and Coping Community recommended resourcesExpert
    About a month ago, I asked the community here to suggest resources for finding a therapist. They suggested: Psychology Today's therapist ... More
    Was this Helpful?
    15 of 22 found this helpful

    Related Drug Reviews

    • Drug Name User Reviews

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.