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    Wife with NO desire at all.. sigh.
    lonelydad posted:
    Is the "Female Viagra" drug available in Ontario Canada yet? Is there something similar? My wife has NO desire. She is no longer on the birth control pill, as we both got fixed.. the thinking was that the BC pill was causing a hormonal imbalance. And before it is suggested, I have tried dinners out, weekends away without kids, buy flowers, gifts, I help out wherever I can, and always try to be fun and playful. I have tried every romantic thing that has ever been suggested to me! Still, if I am lucky I may be allowed a quickie once or twice a year... and there's no passion or kissing, and told to hurry up. She didn't like counselling... went once and quit. It's is a horrible lonely life for me. There must be something out there. Thanks.
    An_257586 responded:
    How old is she? What was she like before BC?

    Are you aware that female viagra isn't particularly effective and has a number of unpleasant side effects not to mention a long list of drug interactions? What will yo do if your wife refuses to try it or feels no benefit from it once she tries it?

    I hate to say this but ... if she isn't motivated to give counselling a decent try it would seem that she doesn't really care about you nor your sex life. How do you picture your marriage in 10 years time?
    dfromspencer responded:
    Hi Lonely Dad,

    I know this won't help, but it has been deemed bad for women to take the female viagra. I wonder though, since you never said, how is your wife's health overall? Has she been tested for hormonal imbalances? I ask this because it was found out that some women suffer from just that? Especially after stopping b.c. pills. Oh, and once they hit menopause, of course. The hardest thing for us men to take is; just what you are going through!

    No man wants to hear his wife say she isn't interested in having sex with him, no woman either, for that matter! There are so many reasons for losing interest in sex, some just grow so used to each other being there, they just take it for granted their partner also shares that feeling as well? Some for medical reasons. Others, so it seems, nothing at all? But, there is always a cause, and that is what needs to be found out? What is causing your wife to behave this way? I think you MUST have that conversation with her? Doesn't matter if you have to needle her, cajole her, whatever, just get her to answer that question! Why?

    You say "it's a horrible lonely life for me." I have to wonder now, what does that mean? You still have your wife, she just doesn't want to have sex anymore. You still talk to each other, don't you? You both still live under one roof together, don't you? You see? You don't have to be alone, you just think you are. No sex does not mean you don't still love your wife, right? And she probably still loves you, too? You have to find a way to get her to open up too you, she needs to tell you honestly why she does not like to have sex anymore?

    I know this isn't true, but do you know if your wife is having an affair? For certain? Yes, or no? No ifs and or buts? I'm just asking because I have heard this before? And, if she is not, and she won't have sex with you, will she give you a pass? I couldn't do that myself, but some couples insist on it, that is why I am asking?

    My honest answers are all inside of this novella, lol! I do get a little windy some times. Sorry about that! I do hope with all of my heart, that you two find a way back when you both first met! Start there, or should I say "RESTART" there? Try to recapture that which attracted you two to each other. Find a way to reach that point in your lives together again? Even if you have to drag her to see a counselor!

    I wish you all the luck in the universe!!!

    lonelydad replied to An_257586's response:
    Hello. She is 39. She was on the bc pill before I met her. She never really was that into sex, but she kept promising it would get better if we moved in together, then if I bought a house, then if we had kids, etc. I believed it, because I have never heard of or encountered a girl that wasn't loving before. She just kept blaming it on the pill. Sex was never great, but it just keeps getting worse. I say it has to be a hormonal thing, but the family doctors are useless. When I finally got her to ask the doctor he said "we don't worry about stuff like that" !!!
    rohvannyn replied to lonelydad's response:
    I was going to give other advice before but WebMD ate it - now, seeing this other information I begin to really wonder about your wife's behavior. It sounds like she always hated sex but knew you wanted it and used it as a manipulation tool for you give her what she wanted. So in order for you to enjoy sex with her you have to find out if there's any chance she could want it, really and truly, not just for you but for herself.

    Yes, this could be hormonal. In fact, it's a strong possibility, but it's also part of her personality and part of her habits. Some women are raised with the idea that the only reason why you would ever have sex is to manipulate a man into doing what you want. They think it's messy and gross and that you shouldn't like it. Religious background usually has a huge influence here.

    Have you had an open talk to her, bottom lined it that you enjoy this and that you need it to be healthy? Have you told her that it's not just about getting off, but feeling close with her and giving her pleasure too? She's really missing out. You might need to engage her enlightened self interest.

    As for her doctor, he really sounds inflexible and puritanical. I can't think of any other way to describe it. Sex is a part of overall health. You can't just ignore it because she's a woman, and the doctor is incompetent if he does. He's not helping her live a healthy life, he's just focusing on if the machinery works right. I really hope you get better medical help, and you have all my sympathy.
    lonelydad replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Hello, thankyou all for the replies. I was going to add more info this morning, but WebMD ate it.. grr. seems to be an ongoing issue.
    Anyhoo, I have been trying for years to get her to tell me what the issue is, but her one and only answer is "I don't know" I have tried being sweet, cried about it, got mad about it, told her how depressed I am, but no answers. Other girls that are friends whom I have talked to just shake their head and say "I wish MY husband would try as much"!
    She has said that she just isn't all lovey dovey. just the way she was raised. But she is towards the kids, and her sisters just drool all over their husbands! and not being mushy shouldn't make you not have any desires!!
    I can't just get a doctor's appointment with the new family doctor to ask if she can make my wife horny! lol. I have read about herbal suppliments of sorts but there are so many and they all claim to be the best... there must be something out there... I really want to make love.. like for a long time! I always aim to please, but it is so depressing not being wanted let alone being pleased myself.
    Oh, and religious background is not a factor either.. since that was mentioned..
    Thanks again!
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to lonelydad's response:
    Your situation is certainly very distressing. If it is the pill that's responsible, you might try another pill or another form of birth control. You might also consider going to a sex therapist, who can help you address personal/relationship issues if they are to blame, consider other physical issues, and/or directly address the sex issue.
    fcl responded:
    What jumped out at me was your use of the word "lonely". How is your marriage outside of the sexual dimension? Do you enjoy each other's company? Do you get along well? Do you laugh together? If yoiu find yourself answering negatively to these questions, I'd be wondering if your wife weren't suffering from depression...

    In any case, you said your wife didn't like counselling. Well, I suggest you go to counselling alone. It won't change your wife but it might give you the coping and decision-making tools you need to decide what to do next.

    Good luck.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    An_267859 replied to fcl's response:
    I am a 63 year old female. I've been married for over 30 years. I used to be really interested in sex once, but I have absolutely no interest any more.

    I've been to see my doctor, and she suggested injectable, bio-identical hormones. Great! So, I tried them. I certainly felt horny, but the hormones made me ache absolutely all over. I already have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, so adding in yet more pain everywhere was excruciating. Needless to say, I didn't want to be touched, because everything HURT like hell.

    Then my doc suggested regular, ordinary hormone replacement therapy, which'd give me periods again. NO WAY! I'm done with periods, and I never want to have them again. Also, my mother used HRT, and she got breast cancer in her 70s, which her doctor felt came from the HRT. She had to have a number of lumpectomies. I do NOT want this.

    My husband and I went to a counselor, but that seemed to do absolutely nothing. We barely talked about sex, and I have no idea why the counselor didn't lead us into more discussion of our sex life. My husband just kind of sat there and didn't say much of anything.

    My husband wouldn't follow any of the suggestions that the counselor made, so I gave up, too. We ceased seeing the counselor. We haven't had sex in maybe close to a year, and I just don't care.

    NOW what do I do?
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_267859's response:
    You might try a sex therapist, who can talk with you about relationship issues in general, but will also directly address your sex life. You can find a sex therapist by through the American Association of Sex Counselor, Educators, and Therapists .

    I hope you find help there.

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