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    So stressed out by fiance's female friend
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    cougarcatmom posted:
    My fiance and partner of 14 years has a female friend and it is a major coflict between us. We have been through so much together. He is gravely ill right now awaiting a kidney transplant from complications from type 1 diabetes. He also has a history of emotional issues. My whole life is taking care of him, our many pets and our relationship. He also had a period of 6 months about 5 years ago that he had an online affair. He sees this female friend every six months or so and I hate it. They have been friends since high school but I dont like it and am not ashamed to say that I feel considering his record that it is shady. He refuses to let me meet her. My whole life is him and his investing in another woman calling her his best friend wounds me deeply. I would love expert advice as well as from both men and women. He says I am controlling him and has a lunch date with her planned. I am besides myself with grief and cannot stop crying.
     
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    dfromspencer responded:
    Hi Cougarcatmom, I think you have a "TRUST" issue? Once you have, or think you have been cheated on, you lose trust fast! However, can you truly say he has cheated on you? Do you have proof of this? Just because a man has a female best friend he has known since high school, doesn't mean he has cheated on you. Neither does an on-line friend of the female persuasion. He may "act secretly" when visiting with these friends, but that does not automatically mean he is cheating on you. Get a grip!

    This man has spent the same 14 years with you, as you have with him, right? Well then, it stands to reason that, you are blowing this way out of proportion? Right? It seems to me that you are? He is probably acting out of fear that you might reject his G.F. just as you already have, and you have yet to even meet her? If it were me, I would want to know his friends from his past! That past, is a huge part of who he is, and how he was raised. Right from the start, you should have asked to meet his friends, both male and female! They probably think of each other as a link to their past together? Why wouldn't you want to know his friends? Is there some reason to fear them? Maybe he is right? Perhaps you are a tad controlling?

    I agree to an extent that; he should be calling you his best friend, but since you acted this way, he is probably scared to? Every real, true romance should think of each other as best friends, once you two know each other well enough. BUT, (there is always one of these,lol!) if one should show a fear, or just don't want to meet your friends, what would you think? Wouldn't you be a tad suspicious, too? Wouldn't you try to hide your get together's with those past friends, also? Sure you would! I would! I think anyone would? Don't you?

    Please stop fretting over something you should embrace. Tell your Fiance`, and partner, how sorry you are for acting this way. And tell him you would love to meet his friends from his past, or right now, for that matter! And be enthusiastic once you do meet them, try to like them just because they love the one that loves you. Who knows, you may just gain some friends yourself? And, BONUS, you may just find a confidant in his g.f. from his past? Hmmm, what secrets might she tell you of her life of knowing him? LOL! You see? Don't dwell on things you can't change, and embrace that which is your life with this man!

    Are you done crying yet? You will, once you let go of that fear.

    Good luck too you, and I hope your fiance` makes a full recovery!

    Dennis
    LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
     
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    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    When partners struggle with jealousy, it is essential that they try to step back to look at their partner, themselves, and the relationship. When a someone has cheated, if they want to continue their primary relationship and nurture it, then they must be willing to help their partner through this betrayal and develop trust again. You might find it helpful to talk about why he won't let you meet this friend, how the situation is affecting him, and how this decision and situation are affecting you. It is also essential that you look at yourself and consider whether you have a history of feeling jealous in other relationships. If so, then it would benefit you to work on your insecurities and see how they are affecting your behavior and relationship.

    ** This is a lot to think about, especially as you help him face his illness. You might find it beneficial to see a therapist to help you sort all of this out.


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