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    Need some help
    77Hopeless posted:
    My boyfriend seems so distant lately, he is not as passionate as he was in the beginning. He states it is because he is tired or he just doesn't have the sex drive since he is 40, I am 33. He promises to call but seems to break that here lately. He states he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants. He is a recovering alcoholic and I have supported him in all of this. I know his ex has been texting and calling. He lied about it at first than it came out. He states since the beginning he hates her but she can't seem to get the picture that he is dating me. He also has been accepting women on facebook to look at their pictures but states he doesn't talk to them. He is friends with alot of girls from AA and NA, that i have a little problem with. He tells me its my insecurities. One minute he is talking about rings and the next thing he is stating he doesn't know how long we will be togather. He says he has to make things right that he has done in the past. I do everything and anything for this man and I feel like I am being pushed away. He has said that I am everything and more that he has ever wanted in a women but he won't answer my phone calls or text saying he fell asleep or didn't here the phone ring. He has also stated that he is coldhearted because of his past marriage and an butthole, and if he is wasting my time i can move on, but than kisses me and tells me he loves me I am so confussed and cry so much lately and depressed.
    cjh1203 responded:
    I know these isn't what you want to hear, but I think he's wanting out of your relationship. He has lots of excuses for everything -- too many -- and I think they are meant to divert attention from what's really going on.

    If you think about what you've written in your post, there are a lot of things that indicate he is not as serious about the relationship as you are: the broken promises, lying, saying he doesn't know what he wants (a classic breakup line), his dismissal about all the women he's friends with (and they may be just friends, but he needs to understand that you need real reassurance about that, and not just blame it on your insecurities), saying that he doesn't know how long you'll be together, not answering your phone calls and texts, and suggesting that you move on.

    And this is sort of a big one -- he obviously doesn't hate his ex. He could cut her off he if wanted to, but he doesn't.

    And I don't understand what righting past wrongs has to do with your relationship. It's great that he's gotten to that point in AA, but it doesn't make any sense to use that as an excuse for pushing you away.

    I'm really sorry, but I think this is a relationship on its last legs. When he tells you he loves you and says nice things to you, it's probably because he feels bad about everything else and he's trying to soften the blow. I've done that myself, and had it done to me. I think he's hoping you'll break up with him.

    If your relationship does end, I know it will break your heart, and it will be awful for a while, but it will get better, and it will give you a chance to find someone whose feelings you don't have to guess about -- someone you know loves you, without question.
    77Hopeless replied to cjh1203's response:
    Yes, that is what I have been feeling and thinking myself. I do appreciate you taking your time to reply to my concerns. My friends are telling me the samething and that I am good person and deserve someone that would appreciate me. Thank you again you have been helpful!
    Still trying!
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 77Hopeless's response:
    Even though it sounds like you are clearer on this now, I thought I'd chime in.

    No matter how you feel about him, or how he says he feels about you, it is vitally important that you consider how he treats you. How someone treats you is extremely important in a relationship. Even if he loves you, you won't be able to feel it unless he shows you it in some way; it's like being told there is food in the world without being offered any... you're likely to starve. That said, you need to decide whether you think there is a way to work things out better with him; decide that he offers enough of what you need despite what you seem to be saying here; or whether you just want to stay no matter what (not an option I'd suggest).

    I'm glad to hear that you have friends to support you through this difficult time-- and hopefully through to better times. Please know that we are here for you if you need more support or have questions or just want to update us. Good luck.
    gd9900 responded:
    "Circle talk" as I refer to it, is hard enough to hear - let alone try and make sense of or deal with. My husband and I are separated. I recently expressed with him that of late his mismatched words/actions, the circle talk, and expression of not knowing what he wants, comes across as a lie. Its not that I don't believe what he says, I just don't know which version of what he says to believe. The truth is in there somewhere but I cannot extract it based upon what he says - only he knows what his truth is. One other thing I have been paying close attention to is his actions...and calling him out when they don't match his words. He did express gratefulness to me for pointing that out to him, says it struck a chord.

    While AA is a great resource for someone in recovery, he may need additional support with professional counselling to address underlying issues he struggled with in getting there. There could be an overwhelming feeling of pain inside him but he may not be well equipped with the best tools for coping in a healthy way yet...which could be putting him on edge to seek out temptations of his past. The pain is familiar, but so are the old ways of coping. From what you've shared, it apprears he is struggling with self esteem and confidence issues...abuse victims struggle with wanting to please and at the same time protecting themselves from getting hurt.
    77Hopeless replied to gd9900's response:
    That is true, I mentioned that to him he said he isn't doing it that I am the one with issues and should talk to someone. I did explain all this to him the other night and what I was feeling. He stated to me that I was right that I do so much without even thinking about it. But he thinks I am reacting with emotions and I shouldn't let them getting to me!
    Still trying!
    amanda1585 responded:
    Go out and have fun, you are young .
    Dont waste your time with that kind of man.
    He is just using you.
    The right man will come in due time.
    Have faith in GOD who knows whats best for you.
    Take care and be happy.
    77Hopeless replied to amanda1585's response:
    Well Thank you to all. I broke it off with him and yes he was using me. I found out he was seeing a girl from NA, and lied about it on more than one occassion. I got out all my tears and that is exactly what I am doing is having fun with my friends. He has started flipping out about that, but I don't care anymore! I don't need the stress, mental or emotional abuse. I am focusing on me, my kids, and my career! So thank you all again for the advise and support. This has been a true blessing!!!
    Enjoying Life No Longer 77Hopeless
    Still trying!
    cjh1203 replied to 77Hopeless's response:
    I'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk, but it's good that you found out sooner, rather than after investing even more time in him.

    It sounds like you're handling it very well -- best of luck to you.
    77Hopeless replied to cjh1203's response:
    Yes, it took a couple of days, but I am doing good, and thank you!
    Still trying!

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