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    schizoaffective or faking? now what do I do?
    oncecrazy posted:
    I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder over 10 years ago. I am beginning think, or be willing to admit, that I was faking it. Not entirely, I mean, I had depression definitely, and I had some psychosis too...but I just don't think I actually had significant real symptoms. This is hard to explain. I was depressed. A little, more stressed from school pressures than anything, then I started meds and it got worse. A lot worse. Severe anxiety and paranoia and suicidal ideation. But I don't know how much of that was real and how much of it was exaggerated for attention. I can't remember. Then they gave me more meds and I just kept getting worse. I think I liked being the "crazy girl", I think I might have been milking it. I just kept getting more symptoms. I know I lied about my visual hallucinations. I just exaggerated them. I saw spiders and stuff out of the corner of my eye and imagined gruesome things, but I told people I saw these things- like actual body parts and blood and such. My thoughts were arguing with each other, but I told the doctors they were voices. I mean, I kind of thought they were voices. I thought I really was crazy. I'm not just some horrible liar, and I don't think this is a game. But I might have somehow enjoyed the attention of being so ill. I faked catatonia. I knew I could move if I wanted, but I told people I couldn't. I really was stressed and overwhelmed and my thoughts were loud, but I wasn't really frozen. I think. I can't remember clearly.

    Well anyway, I hope I have not offended anyone. I have lived my life as a mentally ill person and have been a huge advocate for the mentally ill for years now. I have lead support groups and raised funds for NAMI and suicide prevention. It is a huge part of my life. But I feel like I need to come clean and sort out fact from fiction in my life.

    I need help. How do I tell people who know and love me that I have been exaggerating? (If I have, I honestly am not sure) Maybe I am not mentally ill. Or maybe I just have depression. I have been on tons of meds and have reduced them to almost nothing and I have been symptom free for several years. I want to stop meds entirely, but my husband knows my history and thinks I need them. I feel like I have lied to him and it is killing me. How do I tell my parents that all we went through may not have really been real? I want to be normal. I don't want to lie. But do I have to confess everything? Or should I just tell everyone I somehow "recovered"?

    I feel so guilty. Go ahead and tell me I suck. I deserve it.
    Anon_9353 responded:
    Did someone suggest to you that depression is not a mental illness? If so, what did they tell you mental illness is?
    maidmarrien97 responded:
    I Have Schizophrenia And I Am Highly Anoyyed At What You Have Done You Selfish Bitch Life With Schizophrenia Is Really Hard Upsetting And Depressing And I Think You Should Tell The Truith Because Thats Just FRUCKIN Wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Fowden replied to maidmarrien97's response:
    Who really cares! Let her deal with her own mess. I'm too tired just trying to get through another day.
    pesimist responded:
    I Have told a Psychiatrist that I had symptoms Of Schizophrenia Everyone thinks I am Schizophrenic I am sick of telling the full story but have tried to get away from the Doctors and Have been forced into hospital and on medication Don't like it much These are just a few problems. I can accept that i am schizophrenic but I know I am not I have no rights in this situation and now I feel I am being ridiculed even though people seem to care about me I want to make things better for myself because I know I am a good person. Every situation is different I am just probing mine but have lost every battle. I don't think you suck at all You have every right to tell the truth it is up to them though what to do.
    sittingbull594 replied to pesimist's response:
    hi once crazy

    I get what you're talking about. I was dx'd 15 years ago with schizoaffective disorder & ptsd. I truly was a mess! All of the things I said 15 years ago 90% were true.

    The problem is that I started having a lot of pain and got pain killers which (I guess I got addicted to). It sure was nice not having pain tho. I guess for the most part the kind of pain I have is just to be lived with. So because I lied to get pain meds and I got addicted I have some explainin to do to gp.

    I wasn't always truthful in therapy either. The thing is though that 70-80% of what I said did and lived was real. I know what you mean that you don't quiet remember what's what cuz it's been a long time ago. Yeah I exaggerated things to MH. Realize that I've been found out and will have hell the rest of my life with the hmo that takes care of me which is also an insurance company. I'm marked!

    I hate myself even more but to the point I've only self harmed one time which is still healing after 4 or 5 weeks as its a huge burn area. I've sh'd for over 2 decades I would guess. Though I did it as a child too and then started on alcohol the establishment doesn/t believe me.

    MY husband has lived this hell with me and he understands how I am. The establishment thinks (I guess) the only reason I went to doctors in MH and gp was for attention. Some of that I believe is true b ut again 70-80% is true!

    Well there you have it. I couldn't believe this when I read it but its happened for me. I'm still on meds and when they took me off in 2011 it was bad! In 2011 the t I was seeing took ptsd off my chart and she was a Trauma specialist. THen recently my t put ptsd on my chart again and said you never get over that!
    I think with anything you just manage it whatever illness you may have you just manage it. Regardless if its mental health of physical illness.

    I believe 70/30 in the positive that I have schizoaffective disorder and possibly bpd.

    I don't know where I go from here but I keep exposing myself to it in the hope I can get better. I'm drinking to soothe myself and its bad. I have no where to go anymore and I feel like I've lost my family.

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