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  • ********************************* ************************** ******************** ********************************* ************************ ********************

    had mammogram on the 2nd. Going for another one tommorrow to evaluate closer three different areas they found stuff in.

    damn it.

    I'm going to go eat Chinese food.

    I don't feel stressed about it. I have been suicidal all my life, so the thought of possibly actually dying is...some how exciting.

    I had to to have back to back mammograms in 1999, so having them find something doesn't alarm me, I already know I have unusual boobs. Suspect they will come to the same conclusion on inspection tomorrow.


    Oh yeah and my inner crew was a lot of support. We had to get stuff at the store after the appt and I stopped to look at something and I hear this in my head from Ste. "your dying , you don't need that." LOL. Love love his support, what a blessing he is to me. He knows that gentle kidding is what makes me feel safe.

    There is a huge sexual abuse trigger related with the whole breast issue. As a child I wanted to cut my breast off to maintain a male figure.

    I find my self having to fight that again, that wanting to fantasize about removing my breast in a serious body modification sorta way. My SIV has the potential to drift that way. I have a history of planning to amputate body parts.

    Ste stands firmly between me and going down that path again. I will not try to get past him.

    I am extremly dissociated right now. to a point that if I don't put some seriouis effort into reconnecting with my selves, I will be at a point that only SIV can refocus me.

    I'm safe, just talking, focusing and keeping my self accountable.

    1 hour till chinese food. I can do one hour.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Just sitting with you on the porch swing, drinking lemonade, listening to you talking...
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Lighting the lantern as the day turns to evening and dusk...

    I'll join you for Chinese.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    bubbles_bobble replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    must've had the chinese by now. rest well
    One day at a time
    MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
    After dinner tea as all of us sit on the deck enjoying the night and each others company. My tea is peppermint as I overate the chinese food, lol. But hey, dressed in a sweatshirt and leggings, fuzzy socks and a fuzzy wrap. I am content...

    What kind of tea are you all drinking? What are you all wearing as your "I feel hugged" clothing?

    If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

    In Harmony,
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to MandyCake's response:

    How are you doing now?
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
  • ************************************* ***************************** ****************************** ***************************************

    hmmm. can't answer that. So I will give you Ste's favorite movie dialog to quote.

    "ImaDean how's Roy Luther?"

    "Oh he's just fine."
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
  • ************************************ *****************************
    ****************************** **************************************

    have to go next week for an ultrasound of all three areas they re-examined today. gawd how I love spending the grocery money on my health. I think that is ticking me off worse then my medical condition.

    the thought of loosing both breasts actually is very appealing to a most of me. I don't think any of me is attached to them.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    off_the_wall replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I'm really sorry you are going through so much. I too understand the guilt of spending money on healthcare. But your sweet kiddos need you around for a lot longer so ya gotta do what ya gotta do to make that happen. Hang in there. (((Hugs if okay)))
    bubbles_bobble replied to off_the_wall's response:
    i too have felt the way you do about your breasts. i go thru phases because i'm so big and my husband is so revolted about them.


    a couple years ago i actually did burn my left boob with cigs. very embarrassing to say to technician to mark these two areas.

    please PLEASE be safe. I know the anxiety of going thru these stupid tests. But it's important for all of you's to safe ok.
    It's very stressful for sure. One time i had to have 3 different ultrasounds at 3 different times and at 3 different locations throughout the city! it took 2 weeks to complete which really torked me!

    all that anyone can ever do or be is the best they can be at the moment.............the moment you're going thru right now this minute ......................God bless you and keep you. f
    One day at a time

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