Self Harm Community

[TRIGGER] CJ,

I have heard of Munchausen. I think those of us who SH have a touch of this. It's a cry for help. It's a way to show what we are feeling. There are many reasons behind this.

Do you have a Primary Doc? This many hospitalizations I am concerned as to why you are so easily being dismissed. This is not acceptable.

You really must come clean with your T and Psych. They are not there to coddle you. They can help you deal with this. Please, please, please be honest and open with them. That is what they are there for... to help you figure things out.

I hope this morning see's you well rested and energized and motivated to seek out help.

In Harmony,
Bonnie

Do you have a Primary Doc? This many hospitalizations I am concerned as to why you are so easily being dismissed. This is not acceptable.
The hospital I went to for the SI injuries (that got sutures/staples) is a little ER in my podunk little town. They basically just patch you up and send you off. When I went in for the "stones," it was believable, because I've had stones before and I was tender to the touch of the doctor (cuz I had beaten myself with the tennis ball/sock combo). The same with the headaches. I convinced the doctors that I was in a lot of pain. And for a while, I was. After I got the spinal tap, I got the usual Post Lumbar Puncture headache. I convinced my mom because I've never been one to like to get injections or have blood drawn. And I even cried when the doctor said he was going to have to do an LP.

You really must come clean with your T and Psych. They are not there to coddle you. They can help you deal with this. Please, please, please be honest and open with them. That is what they are there for... to help you figure things out

I *do* have a GP. I saw him on Tuesday. He couldn't find any reason for my headaches. I didn't tell him I had done it to myself. He knows I SI. He's taken stitches out twice, and staples out once. All within three or four weeks. :-S I really like my GP. He's an awesome grandfatherly fellow who really listens and explains things in layperson's terms.
I have come clean with my T and Pdoc about my re-start of SI. I had started as a teenager and managed to stop in my mid-twenties. Then, out of the blue, I started up again. And it seems like this relapse is even worse than the original time.


If we got hurt and ran up to her crying she would say "are you bleeding?"
"N-no" we would sob
"then stop crying" she would reply and icily turn away.
(so, eventually I injured and then felt I could cry becasue I was then bleeding)

My dad was kinda like that. Some of his favorite things to say were, "You wanna cry? I'll give you something to cry about!" and "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!" So I kinda stopped crying. Nothing ever came of it but ridicule and dismissal. I also have a temper, as does my dad. We would get into fist fights all the time. Police never did anything about it. When I was in high school, he almost broke my finger. I told a teacher, and CPS came to the school to interview me. I told them it was a one-time thing. I was afraid they would take me away from my mom and my home.

Creating injuries/wounds etc is in a way of asking for help, but the surface wound is treated, not the deeper inner wound.
I've never really used SI as a way of getting attention. I hide it and make up (believeable) excuses as to why I have a bandage. I've told the doctors/nurses at the hospital(s) that the wounds are SI, but only because I don't see them anywhere but when I'm in there.

Plus I have learned that if I get urges to do an attention injury, that I don't keep mum about it, I speak up and nark on myself to my support people. Speaking the urge aloud take the craving out of it.

I won't narc on myself, because I don't want to go back IP. And if I *did* narc on myself, I'd probably be put back IP. I just *can't* go back. I'm finally VERY close to getting a job (in public safety). If I were to be put back IP (again) it would greatly jeopardize my chances of getting the job I want.

I talk to my T about the SI. It still scares me to do so. Thats one reason why I sought out this board. Some place I could confess, without being ratted out to the people who could "put me away." It is kind of cathartic to fess up about stuff. And anonymity is nice, too.

We're glad that talking here is helpful to you. We hope it's just one step for you to continue to reach out for support. Honesty is the best way to go, with yourself and with your T, but we understand it can take time to get to that point. But know that they can best help you when you are completely honest.

You say this all came out of the blue for you.... are you talking with your T about how you are feeling and all that's going on, even if you leave out the actual details of the SI? From reading here all these years, SI usually indicates some underlying issues. (((softhugs)))

HEY SEE ME I NEED CONNECTION/SUPPORT/COMFORT.

I still dont know how to ask for this without feeling worthless or getting the feeling I will be rejected. It happened not that long ago, I sat there an cried, the person I was with just sat there. Later they said I should have to asked for what I wanted. To me it was just human nature to hold the person or hug them while they crying, no more words needed to said. I dont I have the courage to ask anymore, I cant take that rejection again from anyone.

You say this all came out of the blue for you.... are you talking with your T about how you are feeling and all that's going on, even if you leave out the actual details of the SI? From reading here all these years, SI usually indicates some underlying issues.

I have been talking to my T about the things that are bothering me. The stress of working on my ED, trying to get a job, my mum deciding it was a good idea to move in with me (then she reconsidered), being the victim of a 'romance scammer' ... Just a lot of stuff. *sigh*
My T already knows that I restarted SI. And he asks me every visit if I've done anything. I don't like lying, but its something I will do if it comes down to it. Self-preservation.

I SI'd to the point I should (probably) go get stitches. I won't, but I should. I *can't* go to my little podunk ER, because the one doctor is working this shift, and I *can't* face him again. Esp with an SI injury. This insomnia isn't helping, either.

I hope you will reconsider and go get stitches. It really needs to be taken careof and so do you. Perhaps this doc since he's seen you so many times will do something to help you further with your mentla health for the weekend at least to keep you safe. God Speed

CJ,

I agree with BB and encourage you to follow her words of wisdom. Please, please, please...

If you still choose not to go... Please go to your local pharmacy and get supplies to clean your wounds, antibiodic cream like Bacetracin, you can also get butterfly sutures then gauze wrap and tape...

And Monday make an appointment with someone.

Hugs.
Bonnie

I didn't go to the ER. I couldn't face the doctor again. I know he's getting sick of seeing me. I can see it in his face. I have plenty of first aid stuff on hand. I made my own butterfly bandages and have closed the wound as much as is possible without actual sutures.

I was supposed to see my T on Monday, but something came up and he's not available, so we re-scheduled for Thursday. I've had passing thoughts of going to the county hospital (where they have a psych ER) to talk to someone when this kind of thing happens, but I'm too afraid. I don't want them to put me on a hold (again).

I can't call a crisis line either, as I have no home phone and I live in a bit of a dead zone for cell phone reception. I try to journal it out, but that doesn't always work. I'm trying to avoid running to the corner liquor store and getting drunk off my @$$ as well. I could, legally, and I know better than to drink and drive. But with the meds I take, its not a good idea to have alcohol of any kind, especially in excess.

I woke up mega early (for me) this morning. I don't have to be up till 10:30a, but I woke up at 6:55. >__< And I couldn't get back to sleep. Insomnia has really been haunting me the past few days. I wish it would go away! Ugh.

I think I'm going to go sit in my cozy chair with the cat and see if I can't grab another hour or so of rest, if not actual sleep.

CJ,

I'm glad you took care of your wounds. I do hope you will consider the County Hospital if you feel you need to. When you arrive make it clear you do not need to be put on hold, that you are in crisis and just need someone to help you through it. A feeling does not mean it has or will become an action.

As for your local ER doc, is there no one else on duty like a PA, Nurse Practioner, Resident Doc, that you can ask to see?

When you meet with your T on Thursday I hope you bring up the fact that your access to services is an issue you need help addressing. If you can not wait for your appointment on Thursday and end up in an ER, make it clear you need the help of a social worker/case manager! You may also try calling your State Health Care Obudsmen... Do not give up. It's a long, difficult struggle getting what you need, but you are worth it.

Hugs,
Bonnie

agree with bonnie. CJ welcome to our family. When we say we care we really mean it and we want the best for you. Please follow thru and get the help you need. I don' tknow what time it is where you are but even you can get help tonight. There is no such thing that you can't get help any hour of the day or night!

Please you may need furhter help with these wounds. Now would the er doc that you don't want to see be there?

I think each of us knows deep down what we need to do for ourselves sometimes to take action to get the help we need.
If you really don't know write back and we can give you more guidance. bb

I'm glad you took care of your wounds. I do hope you will consider the County Hospital if you feel you need to
... As for your local ER doc, is there no one else on duty like a PA, Nurse Practioner, Resident Doc, that you can ask to see?
... If you can not wait for your appointment on Thursday and end up in an ER, make it clear you need the help of a social worker/case manager! ...
I'm pretty good with first aid. I have my Red Cross Training. I know when stitches are needed. I just don't always get them.
I've not seen more than one doc on duty (except the one time when I went for my headache/dehydration), aside from a couple med students. And they are supervised by the main docs. I guess I could ask for a female doctor. That would prevent Dr. X from being my treating doctor.
And the little podunk ER close to my home has no mental health practitioners. At all. And, the last time I went to (a different) ER that has mental health practitioners, they put me on a hold. And I felt degraded because they made me strip to my skivvies and posted guards at my door, like I was some kind of convict.
The last time I went to the County (medical) ER, they had this really creepy psychiatrist talk to me. He just looked like ... like a sex offender. *shudders*
Please follow thru and get the help you need. I don' tknow what time it is where you are but even you can get help tonight. There is no such thing that you can't get help any hour of the day or night!
Please you may need furhter help with these wounds. Now would the er doc that you don't want to see be there?
The doctor that I've seen on so many visits works the overnight shift. And, my sleep schedule is so screwy, that I'm awake most in the middle of the night. Like, now its almost 2a, and I'm wide awake. I have the worst time sleeping at night, and therefore staying awake during the day. If I went to the ER during the day, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't run into the same doc, as I'm fairly sure he doesn't work a 24-hour shift. But, unless the 'owies' show signs of infection, I'm not likely to go to the ER. And its not like its anywhere likely to get infected. And I'm really careful.
I know it sounds crazy to rationalize not seeking medical help. But I know when I need to seek help. I know what infection looks like, and I don't have any of the signs. I never have. *knock wood*

All I can say is You are your best Advocate! Who knows you better than yourself?

I have rationalized not getting help as well... You are not alone on this...

Please take care of you... Okay?