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    besmith75 posted:
    I don't know if any of you remember me...I haven't posted in probably a year. I've been doing very well. I've had some positive changes in my life. And yet...

    I feel the urge. I want to SH right now. I was going to when I got out of the bathtub...but I could hear my boys in the living I didn't. Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out when I can. Maybe later tonight? Maybe tomorrow at work (for some reason I seem to have a penchant for SH'ing at work)? I just know that I want to. I need to.

    I have (or have had) an eating disorder. I've gained some weight and that is so hard to live with.

    I had (or have had) a drug problem. Clean since 2007. 5 1/2 years clean...but I want to use.

    I can't drop the weight tonight. I can't put myself through what I went through with the drugs (3 overdoses and dt's that almost killed me). But...I can cut. Instant emotional gratification.

    Why does this come and go? I haven't SH'd in months. Probably close to a year. But I have this knot in the pit of my stomach that I know won't go away until I cut.

    I know that most of you don't know or remember me. I know that nobody has an answer. I don't know why I decided to come here tonight. I guess I just need to connect with others who can understand the grip this has on me. I feel like I don't have a choice...I just have to find the time. It's like I'm putting my SH'ing on my to do list.

    I want to use logic and tell myself that it isn't going to accomplish anything...but my emotions are overriding my logic and I'm obsessing. I'm riding a wave of pain that came out of nowhere.

    Right now I'd rather be anyone but me.

    No response needed. I just feel so alone. Suddenly alone. And I can't think of a way to talk myself out of SH'ing...
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    (((((((((((((((((Besmith))))))))))))))))))) so nice to see you again.

    I'm heading out the door to work but wanted to say hi and welcome back.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    slik_kitty responded:
    welcome back. so sorry the urges are so strong. hugs if ok
    off_the_wall responded:
    Hi Besmith! I just wanted to let you know that I understand. The urges never go away for me either. And I do the same thing- I think of my kids and try not to SH but it's just so hard when those urges just keep returning. You are not alone in all of this. You should be proud of yourself for going almost a year without SHing. That is awesome. Fall back on the skills you have been using to not SH during that time. (((Hugs)))
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to off_the_wall's response:
    Hi again. Glad to see you but sorry you feel so badly right now.

    One of the things we have to understand is that urges are just that -- urges. We don't have to act on them. We just have to breathe through them, distract from them, and get by them. That you have gone almost a year is fantastic!! You must have learned some things that help you to get through your urges if you've gone this long, whether you realize it or not.

    You're stronger than you think. Hugs if okay.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    besmith75 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    I want to thank you ladies for your hugs (and I'll take all that I can get LLT). I wasn't able to completely fight off the urge. I did do it...but I was able to control myself enough to keep it small. I'm hoping that this was it. Maybe a one time relapse. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I think I'm back in battle...but you all are right. I was able to control myself for almost a year...I can do it again. Now I remember why I came to this board. You are all so special. Thank you so much. Love to you all!!
    rugger1369 replied to besmith75's response:
    hi again, welcome back. I tried replying earlier...but there was some sort of glitch. have made some big strides, you should be proud. I am glad you dropped in. And I am also sorry you are feeling so blue. but as LLT said, they are urges and we don't have to act. we understand its easier said than done. but we cant stop trying. ~with love
    sittingbull594 replied to rugger1369's response:
    hi besmith
    yes i remember you especially from your oriental sign.

    You've done really great! with everything you've been battling! I can only hope that you will let this small incident tonight be just that a small bleep on the radar and off it goes!

    My thoughts and good vibes go out to you! I think i go all out in saying you've been working really hard in keeping yoruself safe. Can you relapse on that idea??

    I know how hard it is when you have the itch to sh. For sure it is SOOOOOO HARD!!!! I know i've been doing it since childhood. that being said its kinda like your drug issue. You've stayed off that for if i read it right 5.5 years! fantastic!
    So whatever methods you've used to stop the drug problem please do this with the sh if it's healthy ok.

    There are some links to other sites for resources here I beleive. I like myself and find it very helpful. Only taking one small part at a time. the mindfulness videos are most welcome and very calming

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