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    Scared of myself
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    An_256423 posted:
    This may have triggers...



    I am 19 years old, and was diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, and a whole mess of other small disorders a few years ago. I am on anxiety medication, but I still find it extremely difficult to function through the day. I only leave the house when I have to, and when I'm at home, I do nothing productive. I am seeing a counselor, and my family and friends are an amazing support system, but lately I have found myself thinking about self harm. This isn't something I had ever thought about during the last 6 years, but it seems to have popped into my head suddenly, and I can't think about anything else. I started off curious, wondering what it would feel like to touch a burning candle, or what I would have to be feeling to choose to cut myself.
    But today I hit my tipping point. I was sitting in the bath, and my hands were itching for a razor. Instead, I ran my nails down my legs, scratching and leaving bright red, bumpy trails down my thighs. The relieve I felt was incredible. I felt as if I could breath again. I did it again and again, over and over, feeling the tingling burn. I then ran my hands through my hair, tugging and pulling it out. I started smiling, wanted to laugh. I suddenly felt light, free. I sat there for an hour, scratching whenever the feeling stopped. I finally reached for my razor. I held it against my skin, hesitantly. This suddenly made me realize that if I did this, I would be considered a cutter. I started crying, But then I ran the razor over my skin. I barely cut myself, just a dot of blood. So I I did it again, in different spots. Barely even bleeding, but the beautiful burn continued. I finally got out of the bath, and talked to a friend, because I was so scared.
    Scared of how good it felt, and what I am doing with my life. I know its wrong and I should stop, but it makes me feel so good, I don't want to give it up. It still feels good, running my hands over the slowly fading marks.
    I don't know why anyone would really care about this, but I just needed to let this out, to tell someone.
     
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    slik_kitty responded:
    you are heading down a bad path. yes it does provide relief, but it's a very short lived relief. once you start this, it is extremely difficult to stop. tell your t about what is going on. you need to work on the why behind your feelings that make you want to self harm.
     
    avatar
    tnmist replied to slik_kitty's response:
    ((AN256, gentle hugs, if okay)). Please listen to Slik Kitty. She has given you good advice.
    Misty
     
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    An_261010 responded:
    Please discuss this with a therapist. They know how to heal us emotionally.
    Blessings to you


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