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    Self Harm
    avatar
    stemnena posted:
    I have been cutting myself since around December last year. I started it up because it help me deal with what I'm going though and the pain helped with that.

    Here is a little background on why I started. My ex boyfriend who I was with for 6 years and only had been broken up with for 9 months, took his life on Thanksgiving day. The Sunday before he did this he called me and I didn't answer. I have been living with regrets, blame, guilt and etc since his death. I started cutting because it took some of the pain I was feeling away.

    I want to stop and I want to go back to counseling and I know if I do I have to be completely honest about this. But I'm scared for a couple of reason one what will happen when I tell her, like will she turn me in and that, I don't want to end my life, I want to live and I realize that now; the other reason is how my family and friends will look at me and how the will treat me and what they will think of me.

    I wouldn't say I'm proud of what I have done. I guess I'm just wondering what happens when you come out to a counselor?? If anyone would be able to tell me or help me out that would be great. Thanks!

    Also I'm not underage or anything, I'm 30 years old.
     
    avatar
    rugger1369 responded:
    Hi Stemnena,


    First, welcome to the board. It's a brave step forward!


    And that is an awful thing for you and his loved ones to go through. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. But you mustn't blame yourself (as I am sure you know!)


    *Possible Trigger* <use this warning for others on the board who may not want to read triggery details.


    I started going to a counselor 2 yrs ago. A big thanks because of the sweet souls on this board who were supportive and encouraging. She did not "turn me in" I am not sure what you mean.


    Since you want to live (YAY), did not hurt anyone and are not a danger to yourself or others, then I would imagine no they wouldn't.


    Being in therapy has been a huge help! And I can only imagine the mental anguish you have been going through. Just stay strong and do the what is best for you. I am sure your ex would want you to still be happy and enjoy your life. Honor his memory (if you want, not sure on what terms you left...) and learn to keep loving yourself, even in the face of those dark times.


    It's difficult sometimes, but the therapy has helped. And being a member to this board has too. It was more active back then. But a few of us still drop in. Sending healing vibes your way!
    with love and fulljoy
     
    avatar
    stemnena replied to rugger1369's response:
    Thank you for getting back to me! I was in counseling before he did this and even a little after, but then I stopped because I couldn't deal with it anymore, plus I started cutting and wasn't ready to talk about that either. I'm scared if I tell my old counselor, since that is who I would go back to, if she would call the cops or something on me. I don't know what happens when you come to someone with this. I want to do this and I want to be honest about this, but I don't know what or how to do this. I want to change and I want to live. I want to make him proud of me and not upset at me.
     
    avatar
    rugger1369 replied to stemnena's response:
    Of course! Happy to help!


    You did not do anything criminally, so I'd say no. I was actually placed with my therapist through a service, and Ihad to explain to them about my SH'g since finding someone who helped adults was difficult. My therapist is wonderful, as I am sure yours is, seeing you would return to him.


    I doubt he would be upset bc you came to him for help. That is his main reason of being in your life. To support you and provide a safe place to talk these things out. How would he feel if you didn't?


    I only ask, bc I have lied to my therapist before...well not really lie, but I withheld that I had SH'd for a few weeks from her bc I was ashamed. You know what her response was? She was actually proud that I had not done it for a number of months! I was so relieved. And then we talked through why I would hide it from her.


    You don't have to do anything you don't want to. But you already know where it is safe for you to talk. Don't hold it in! Stay safe
    with love and fulljoy


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