Skip to content


    Attention All WebMD Community Members:

    These message boards are closed to posting. Please head on over to our new WebMD Message Boards to check out and participate in the great conversations taking place:

    Husband doesn't want to have sex
    desperate2connect posted:
    We've been married 11 years, I'm 38 and he's 53. For the last several years, his sex drive is nonexistent. I've discussed with him several times, that I want more sex. He laughs it off and says "I've created a monster". I don't think wanting sex a couple times a week is crazy. However we probably only have sex once or twice a month.

    I know somebody is going to say it's because of his age, and it may have something to do with it. But we've never had any physical issues that would prevent sex. (E.D. etc). So, everything is operational...

    I'm a fit, attractive woman, so I'd hope my appearance doesn't have anything to do with why he doesn't want to have sex.

    This morning I woke to him masturbating, in the bed, with me right next to him. Heartbreaking to say the least! It's not that I don't think he ever masturbates, I just figured it was only when I wasn't accessible, not when I'm just inches away from him. So clearly he has 'urges', but he's choosing to take care of them himself, rather than with me.

    I'll be honest and say I've considered an affair. When I get frequently denied by him, it crosses my mind that there are men that be glad to have me in their bed. I would much rather be satisfied by my husband, but I also don't want to be forever sexually frustrated. I won't be 30 something forever. I do love him, although our relationship isn't perfect, nobody's is.

    I guess I am just confused & wonder what it is about me that he's not interested in. In a marriage I thought it was part of the deal to meet the needs of each other. He knows my needs aren't being met, yet he doesn't seem to find it important.

    Thoughts? Anyone else in this situation?

    queston responded:
    My wife's libido has dropped in recent years (she'd be happy with a couple times a month), so I can definitely relate to your frustration.

    Have you really told him how big a deal this is to you? Have you ever told him that you have had thoughts about looking elsewhere? Maybe you need to--maybe if he gets the message that this is a threat to your marriage, he would take it more seriously.

    I'm not sure what to say about him masturbating--was he awake? If he's masturbating while you lie next to him sexually frustrated, then that's obviously a very selfish choice.
    desperate2connect replied to queston's response:

    I've had a very frank conversation with him about my needs. But I didn't mention that I've considered looking elsewhere. I have told him that I tend to get more attention at the grocery store or coffee shop from men than I do at home. It pissed him off that I even admitted to getting hit on by other men, or that I enjoyed the attention. It somehow didn't register that I was trying to get him to realize that if I had more attention at home, I wouldn't be as interested in the attention from others.

    Yes he was awake and attempting to be very 'sly' about it, although he wasn't too successful in that. I don't think he even knows I woke up (kinda hard not to when the bed is bouncing). I literally just laid there on the verge of tears!

    A couple of days ago, I put my best 'sexy face' on and asked if he wanted a nooner. He promptly said NO! I've been straight with him about taking care of things myself when he won't do it. Hoping he would get a clue, he just says "how was it?" (I'm not against masturbating, whether it be him or me, I just don't see the need when I'm literally right there! I certainly wouldn't do it, if he was available/willing.)

    Sorry about your similar situation...... It's so unfair!
    dfromspencer replied to desperate2connect's response:
    I sympatise with you. Next time he masturbates, join him. Don't let a chance slip away. And, you need to be very firm with him. Make it very clear to him, that you are concidering an affair. Demand what is right, and don't let him say no. If i were you, i would take him to the doctor, and have him tested for low-T.

    I am so sorry you are going through this!

    Good luck!
    desperate2connect replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Thank you Dennis!

    I briefly considering joining him this morning & then got worried he'd be embarrassed and then the thought that there was a chance he'd deny me.....again & how I'd feel kept me from letting him know I was awake.

    I've mentioned low t to him and suggested he get tested. It wasn't very well received. And it's pretty unlikely he will see a dr about it. I've actually considered sneaking in T cream/gel in his routine somehow. (awful, I know!)

    I feel like I've done just about everything, but clearly I haven't, otherwise I would be here talking about this.
    queston replied to desperate2connect's response:
    One more thought: sometimes a man who masturbates instead of partnered sex is avoiding some sort of sexual problem. I know you said everything works right, but has there been any change in sexual performance/function for either of you? Does he keep his erection? Have trouble with ejaculating too quickly or not quickly enough? When you do have sex, do you have orgasms and find it to be satisfying, overall?

    I know for me that about the only thing that ever makes me not want to have sex with my wife is if I somehow get the idea that she's not very into it or that I am not able to make it satisfying for her.

    I think the thing that the lower-libido spouse often doesn't understand is how it is not just physically frustrating, but also caused all sorts of anxiety wondering why it is that your spouse doesn't want you sexually and/or is not very responsive to your needs.

    Finally, since he acknowledges that you masturbate and doesn't seem to be bothered by that, maybe you could invite him to participate. Maybe teach him how to use your favorite toy. Hard to imagine how any man could say no to that.
    desperate2connect replied to queston's response:
    Actually over the last year, we've been much more adventurous. Basically anything he wants to do, I'm willing to give it a try. Mostly hoping we'll find something that will light some kind of fire in him. However the actual act of intercourse doesn't last very long at all (always been that way). He insists on me having an orgasm before the intercourse part even begins. Which has always bummed me out, but it is what it is. I try and do a good job of letting him know how much I'm enjoying whatever it is we may be doing. I'm far from a dead lay, if you will. I do find sex to be fulfilling, there are other things I would like for him to do when we have sex, but for now, that's really a non-issue. Right now, I'll take whatever he's willing to give. He keeps his erection without any problem. The overall sexual performance hasn't changed in anyway (that I'm aware of at least)

    I agree about inviting him to 'watch' is a good idea. All of the toys in my secret box, he bought for me. We've used them together, so much so that I had to say a few years ago, that it would be nice to have sex without a toy involved. So he's very familiar with my goodies, but an invitation for him to watch me use them is a good idea!
    queston replied to desperate2connect's response:
    I'm curious, why does it "bum you out" that he has always wanted to bring you to orgasm before intercourse? Especially since you said that intercourse doesn't last very long, I would think that that's just being a considerate lover on his part.

    (I've generally always tried to adhere to the "ladies first" principal myself.)
    desperate2connect replied to queston's response:
    It bums me out because I really enjoy intercourse. I'd like more of that! But I enjoy it more before I orgasm. Not that I don't enjoy it after, it's just that not every woman can have multiple orgasms & for me, once I orgasm it feels a little different. I'm sure it's just me! I love four play & all the wonderful things that come with it, but it also feels a little self serving, because sometimes it's like he wants to get my O out of the way so we can focus on him. (That sounds awful & tacky). I wish I could explain it better. It's like we go to dinner & I get served an appetizer, while he waits for the main course. I do appreciate that he makes it a priority to see that I do orgasm. Big plus!!! I just wish he was a better listener. Every time we have sex, I literally have to beg for him to..... & then he holds me off even longer. Frustrating.

    But literally right now.....I'll take anything!
    desperate2connect replied to queston's response:
    I should apologize for rambling!! I haven't talked to anyone about all of this, & I have a million things to get off my chest.

    I'll try to keep my responses more concise.
    longduckdong46 replied to desperate2connect's response:
    I would not consider the affair. It would lead to more trouble than it's worth.
    This does not sound like a low T issue to me either. He still has sex with you and apparently has no problem reaching orgasm, and furthermore probably masturbates more frequently than you realize.
    I believe some men and maybe women at times just want to satisfy themselves without placing all the emotional energy into lovemaking, Quick , easy, and a satisfying result with masturbation.
    I can understand your frustration especially since you have talked this over with him. Perhaps, and this may be difficult for you to do ? Just don't press the sex button for awhile. See if and how he reacts. Maybe if your take it or leave it attitude in regards to sex will have an effect, and his desires will return ?
    desperate2connect replied to longduckdong46's response:
    I agree about trying to avoid asking for sex for awhile. I am too available to him & sometimes I think that's a downfall of mine. He knows I'm available 24/7 so when he's ready I'm always here. Maybe if I'm a little less accessible he'll want me more.

    Ignoring my urge for sex isn't going to be easy though.

    Nobody's mentioned the thought that maybe he's having an affair. Maybe he's getting his needs taken care of somewhere else?
    longduckdong46 replied to desperate2connect's response:
    Possibly in regards to the affair, but I would think there would be other red flags that would pop up. Such as any other type of secretive behavior. Has anything changed recently from his normal day to day activities ?
    desperate2connect replied to longduckdong46's response:
    I can find several things that seem 'off' if I look hard enough. However that doesn't necessarily mean anything. If I wanted badly enough to find clues of an affair I'm sure I could, but if I wanted to find clues that he's faithful, I could find that too.

    The only solid clue that something could be going on is I found a browser window on his phone that was a listing of escort services in a town near where we live & one he travels to occasionally.
    longduckdong46 replied to desperate2connect's response:
    Well to most that would signal a big " uh oh ", however I don't know how you would broach that subject with him since you invaded his privacy ?
    If he is indeed being unfaithful his odd behavior should continue much to your dismay.
    You will have no choice but to lay things on the line if you want your marriage to continue, and be happy in the process.
    I know that is easy for me to say because I don't really know everything that's going on and furthermore don't know what type of person he is.
    You and only you are the best judge of that.

    I wish you well desperate2connect.

    Helpful Tips

    Can a female get something from a man with Epididymitis? More
    Was this Helpful?
    0 of 0 found this helpful

    Helpful Resources

    Related Drug Reviews

    • Drug Name User Reviews

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

    For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website