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    Improving Our Sex Life
    An_251298 posted:
    I don't even know where to start with this. My husband and I have been together almost 2 years and married 4 months. We have a pretty good relationship and I love him dearly. The problem is our sex life. Like a lot of women, I can't orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. At first I just never had an orgasm during sex. I would masturbate when he was at work or afterwards when he was in the shower. Since I didn't want to have this issue in our marriage, I finally told my husband I needed direct stimulation. He did not receive it well. He wanted to know why I waited so long to tell him - which he had a point - and said "if he couldn't satisfy me then he just couldn't satisfy me." I pointed out that he had 10 fingers and a tongue as well as a penis so there was no excuse to saying he couldn't satisfy me. So anyway, he decided I could just take care of myself while we're having sex but that's not working either. Actual intercourse only lasts 5 minutes and that's not enough time for me.

    I was thinking of just using a vibrator while we have sex but I don't know. He has the worst self-esteem and I have to be careful about saying anything that might mean he's not absolutely terrific. Plus he sees masturbation as him not being good enough. He thinks masturbation is the same as me cheating with another man. I don't agree but that's how he feels.

    I just know if I bring it up he's going to have a fit and I don't want to deal with it. But last time I left the house he found my sex toys and that was not a pleasant experience. I love my husband but I don't want to live the rest of my life without an orgasm. I feel like he has me between a rock and a hard place with his freaking low self-esteem. I don't know what to do.

    Any suggestions?
    georgiagail responded:
    Your husband is an idiot. Or perhaps he simply lacks the knowledge on how to satisfy a woman.

    If the two of you have such a good relationship than he should be willing to learn from you what it takes using either (or both) of those 10 fingers and a tongue. If he's not willing to learn from you than perhaps your relationship isn't as good as you think it is..or he's a lazy dolt.

    And stop pretending to him that he's absolutely terrific in the bedroom department. He's not and you're doing him a dis-service if you're making him think he is.

    It's time for an honest sit down with the guy, low-esteem or not.

    stevesmw responded:
    With the right positioning the clitoris can be stimulated with straight intercourse. It can also be stimulated manually during intercourse.

    Even a woman who can orgasm easily has preferences during love making. They should be verbalized and her partner should be willing to take direction.

    There's a direct correlation between how satisfied a woman is and how often her partner will have sex. It isn't rocket science.
    Mamihlapinatapai replied to georgiagail's response:
    Gail, you think when you write about this kind of thing you could avoid the words "idiot" and "dolt"? It's 1) tiresome, and 2) makes you sound partial and bitter.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
    Mamihlapinatapai responded:
    I think it's pretty clear that your husband is behaving insensitively toward you. It sounds like you have a healthy sexuality--excellent. Your husband should be extremely thankful for that. A good husband should, as a rule, do everything in their power to satisfy you. That's part of this social custom called "marriage" (i.e. it's part of the deal). Also not helping is the defensiveness thing. I know, because I can be the same way, too, though not about sex. Bad attitudes like this are a cancer within a relationship. But how to kill the cancer without destroying the patient? Wish I had an answer since I'm dealing with the same nonsense.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
    koltov responded:
    Here's what you need to do! I think you need some couples counseling so he can be 'told' in a non-threatening environment that it IS his responsibility to help you orgasm. *In general* women don't orgasm from just vaginal sex...and that direct clitoral contact is often needed.

    You are absolutely correct...with 10 fingers, a tongue, and a penis there's no reason he shouldn't be able to satisfy you. And he should be able to use a vibrator with his tongue, fingers, and penis without feeling threatened..

    Also, the fact that he was upset that you had sex toys is also disturbing. If he was able to communicate properly and if he understood that sex toys are a fun and natural part of COUPLES sex then you wouldn't have to hide them.

    Your husband desperately needs some counseling.

    Helpful Tips

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