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    Mamihlapinatapai posted:
    After I pointed out to my wife that we haven't had sex since (roughly) last summer, she remarked that this is 'normal'. She's 39. Married almost six years.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'

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    georgiagail responded:
    Sounds like its normal for her. Probably not for most 39 year olds though.

    jlbelknap35 responded:
    Not at all
    dfromspencer responded:
    Not normal!!! Well, maybe she thinks so?

    She needs to look at some of these posts/boards here, then she will understand its not normal!!!
    stevesmw responded:
    How long has this been normal?

    It's been about that long for me to, but my wife has PTSD.
    She had/has a huge sex drive, but she can only initiate sex when she's been in the mood, which was ....

    Did she ever really enjoy sex? How is the rest of your relationship?

    Marriage is about pleasing your spouse and she has to know that no/infrequent sex is making you unhappy.
    stevesmw responded:
    Mamihlapinatapai replied to stevesmw's response:
    It's normal when she arbitrarily decides it is. Honestly, I don't think she gives much thought to me, or my feelings. I've tried communicating about it, but it's clear she doesn't want to talk about it. She's happy; I'm not.

    With everything that's going wrong in my life, my unhappiness level has increased to record proportions. As a consequence, I've started being more assertive and standing up to her more. Not backing down, as I used to.

    On top of everything, an old boyfriend of hers and his current girlfriend are visiting this weekend. I've made it explicit that I'm not interested in meeting him or staying at the house when they are here. I can tell that she doesn't understand my position on this, why I would be uncomfortable with this. Anyway, it's way outside my comfort zone, so that's that. I just don't see the point, and it's not where I'm emotionally/mentally at right now.

    I swear, if there's a Devil, he's in Hell laughing his a-- off right now.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
    Mamihlapinatapai replied to stevesmw's response:
    So true.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
    dfromspencer replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
    You most deffinately do need to be more assertive! You also must get it through to her that you are NOT happy about your lack of sex!

    As far as her ex-boyfriend coming to visit, what are you worried about? She married you, not him, right? I wouldn't be too jealous about that. The letting him stay in your house, no. Not even I would do that, he can stay in a motel!!! But, if you love your wife, you would make an effort to see a part of her past. At least meet the guy, who knows, you might just like him???

    I wish you all the luck in the world, you need it!!!

    stevesmw replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
    You are making it very clear that issues go beyond sex.
    If you can't discuss them one on one, suggest/demand couples counseling.

    Regarding sex, you need to do something. Begging isn't an option. Whatever action you take has consequences. Being upset and making sure your wife knows it also isn't an option. If your wife were truly interested in your happiness, this situation wouldn't exist.

    Here's my suggestion: Go the opposite direction. be extra nice, compliment her frequently and be very affectionate.
    Gradually work this in so as not to set off any alarms.
    Asking for sex will get shot down, groping will get shot down. But I dare a wife to get poed over being kissed and hugged by her husband.
    21finish replied to stevesmw's response:
    Stevesmw has very clearly pointed the right way to approach for most cases anyhow. There are many of us guys in the basic status that Mamihlapinatapai finds himself in. Guys tend to not admit they have to put up with a sexless marriage but we do. Why? Real good question. Hope Mamihlapinatapai gets some answers and is able to let us all know the result.
    stevesmw replied to 21finish's response:
    Sex was always important to me. Before I would consider marrying someone, sex needed to be enjoyable and important to them. My wife and I were together for two years before we got married. Sex was great. It was great for another eight years. As a result of behavioral problems with our son, she went into therapy and early memories of childhood sexual abuse surfaced. She was diagnosed with PTSD. Sex was still great and only occurred when she initiated it over the next 20 years and that was after considerable consumption of alcohol. It was not possible for her to even to let me try to arouse her. She was already aroused or forget it. Nothing is going to ever change and I have to accept that. We have an affectionate, loving relationship. I didn't get married until I was 35 and was reluctant to get into relationships. I masturbated a lot. I continued to masturbate through the marriage during the good and bad times. A wife does not exist to pleasure her husband.
    I still struggle with the fact that my wife is a very sexual person and frequently talks about how much she enjoyed our love making and yet......

    My wife has fulfilled her end of the marriage contract and I will be married to her (although sexually frustrated) until....

    If I found myself in a relationship where my wife was physically and psychologically able but unwilling to deal with my physical and emotional needs I would not stand for it.
    Jumper2011 responded:
    I'm curious to know more information. Has your entire marriage been this way? Was she always this "cold?" Were things better at one time? Does she seem more distant? Did she experience any medical issues recently?

    Need more information really, but going that long without sex is not normal.
    Mamihlapinatapai replied to dfromspencer's response:
    At this point I'm looking for different "platforms" for discussing our problems. It's really, really difficult to just out-of-the-blue bring up relationship problems. I've tried the blunt approach--I just got the Duh Look back. I'm hoping a book on the subject will open up a dialogue between us. Honestly, though, when we finally do have a decent conversation about this, I'm expecting the worst kind of news. She's acting strange. Bad news is the theme of my life right now.

    I'm not worried about the boyfriend visit thing. I'm annoyed. Really, what is the point of me meeting this guy? I don't care. I have other more important things on my mind right now: relationship, marriage, kids, job, money, etc.

    I don't think I was clear earlier: He's not staying overnight at our place. Just a day visit. I would never agree to such a thing.

    I'm he's nice and I said before, it's not "where I'm at right now."
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
    Mamihlapinatapai replied to stevesmw's response:
    Yes, it would really be something if we could just have a meaningful conversation about what we're thinking and feeling. But she's a terrible communicator. Holy Sweet Jesus is she bad. You either get the feeling like she's not listening, or she doesn't care. When you get the sense that she is listening, she clams up, says nothing--even though that's exactly what I need. Or she'll get angry. I need her to talk to me--even if it's bad news. Just lay it on the table for me. Where do I stand?

    Yes, I'm also a bad communicator. But I'm trying. I'm really, really, trying.

    I have every intention of following your suggestion. The kicker is that all the things you list are- and have been done for a while now. Sure, I've slacked off in the past. Who hasn't? But I know I have to be a good husband, which includes attention, affection, compliments, flowers, massage, you name it. I know I have to be the good, responsible husband.
    The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'

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