Skip to content


    Attention All WebMD Community Members:

    These message boards are closed to posting. Please head on over to our new WebMD Message Boards to check out and participate in the great conversations taking place:

    Boyfriend can't orgasm during sex.
    An_252333 posted:
    I apologize if anything in this post seems a little explicit. I have tried to be as discreet and professional as possible while accurately depicting the scope and circumstances of the situation.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months now, and both of us are as infatuated with (and sexually attracted to) the other as we were when we began dating. We have sex as often as our schedules will allow for the time being, which is two to three times a week.

    Let me start by saying he is an absolutely fantastic lover. He is warm and sensitive and knows how to keep a balance between sweet and "dirty." I have never been so satisfied in my admittedly short life, and I can't imagine a healthier relationship, sexual circumstances notwithstanding.

    However, he can't have an orgasm without masturbating.

    He has no problem getting an erection. He does on occasion have trouble maintaining one for more than ten minutes to half an hour, but after a minute or two of coaxing it back up, he's usually ready and raring to go, so to speak. One sex session for us lasts a minimum of two hours after foreplay. He thoroughly enjoys it, as his words, actions, and...erm...displays...exhibit. But we are concerned because those brief erection losses will occur at the most inopportune times, like when we are well into the act of coitus or when I am performing oral sex (and let me tell you, that has never been a problem), and because he can get agonizingly close to having an orgasm in any mutual arrangement, but it will go away completely unless he finishes with masturbation.

    He is 21 years old, and he was formerly a chronic masturbator and had a porn habit, though not an addiction, the content of which started pretty normal and then progressed to some more extreme subject matter. Nothing that would make me feel concerned for his mental health or unsafe in his presence. We are very open and honest with each other and would like to explore the causes for these issues and work toward resolving them together.

    I will admit that while I know in my heart that he is attracted to and in love with me, when this problem arises I do often feel inadequate, as though I just cannot match up to the plastic girls in his old porn collection, or his ex-girlfriends, or that there is something that I am doing wrong despite what everything he says and my past experiences would indicate. If there is anything I can be doing to fill in any cracks there may be in my own performance (which I do realize I have not really outlined in this post), please let me know, but my main question is what we can do to help him maintain an erection longer and, most of all, to help him gain the ability to climax during an actual intrapersonal sexual experience.

    thank you.

    Take the Poll

    In your experience, does chronic masturbation lead to male sexual dysfunction?
    • Yes, absolutely
    • Sometimes
    • Not at all
    • Never noticed/thought about it
    View Poll Results
    georgiagail responded:
    It's highly likely he's become accustomed to the tighter friction that masturbation provides; neither of which intercourse or even oral sex can mimic;nothing more, nothing less.

    This has nothing to do with you, his past porn or his past girlfriends, real or plastic.

    Anon_475 replied to georgiagail's response:
    This is also something he can correct. He just needs to get used to a gentler touch. This can take a long time but he can "unlearn" being used to a tight (perhaps even dry) grip. As already mentioned, this had nothing to do with you.
    stevesmw responded:
    Things aren't too bad if he can give you orgasms and he is able to orgasm. If he had premature ejaculation that would be a bigger problem.

    I masturbated a lot from when I first could even through the time I was very sexually active. When I was in my twenties I used a masturbation technique more similar to intercourse including condoms and lubricant.
    Generally, masturbation (unless a forceful technique is used) will more likely lead to premature ejaculation because usually the goal in masturbation is to orgasm quickly and then start over.

    When I became sexually active it took more than six months to get my orgasmic response under control. I got to a point where I could last for a long time and have a lot of near orgasms. After making love for a long time I didn't even care if I orgasmed, I enjoyed the intercourse so much. I have even fallen asleep (along with my partner) making love.

    If your boyfriend is enjoying intercourse that's a positive.
    I'm 68 and finding it more difficult to orgasm, probably related to the aging process and health issues. So I've learned there is a difference between being able to orgasm whenever you want and choosing not to and struggling to have an orgasm.

    I do have some concerns about a 21 year old losing his erection. It could be (as other have mentioned) that his masturbation technique makes intercourse less stimulating and retraining his penis is what needs to be done. There might also be an underlying health condition that may need to be investigated. Additionally, he may have some psychological issues related to orgasming inside you. Hopefully, only his penis needs to be retrained.
    stevesmw responded:
    A few more comments. You like to make love for a long time and your boy friend is trying to please you. It is my experience that the longer you make love the less sensitive your penis becomes.

    You could offer yourself to please him. Use your body to pleasure himself and orgasm as quickly as he can. See if he is able to orgasm.

    Simultaneous orgasm like in the movies is a difficult goal to reach.
    An_252333 replied to stevesmw's response:
    Thanks for your answers. I'll look into all of them.

    stevesmw- thanks! Solid advice. Do you have any examples of conditions that might contribute to this, physical and psychological? Obviously we'll look into it (or he will, however he's most comfortable) but any ideas you have could be used as a lead at the very least.

    I don't think the issue has much to do with my libido. I'm very rarely the initiator, and neither of us really has sex mostly to please ourselves because we both know that for the other in that situation it can become a chore rather quickly. Generally, I'm good after 45 minutes or so, but as soon as he gets it up again he wants to go again, and I obviously have no problem with that, lol. My favorite part of sex is making him happy.
    stevesmw replied to An_252333's response:
    I don't have a lot of knowledge regarding physical issues. I didn't have erection problems until around age 62. I did some research and in my case it is probably related to high blood pressure (including BP medication) and being overweight.

    Regarding psychological issues. I can come up with two possibilities. From porn, wanting to see his orgasm. Despite any birth control you may practice, some kind of fear of pregnancy.

    You two have an excellent attitude to love making in that you really want to please each other. When a man orgasms he typically loses his erection for some period time and that can interrupt intercourse. Not orgasming allows intercourse to go on indefinitely, so there is another reason for him not wanting to orgasm during intercourse. My wife likes to make love for a long time, so it's better if I don't orgasm until she is sated.
    If I started to lose my erection, I would continue with manual stimulation until my erection returned so as not to interrupt he pleasure. She also likes to provide direction and sometimes requests me to manually stimulate her clitoris.

    If you want him to orgasm during intercourse, I suggest offering him a quickie, with the understanding that he will lose his erection for a while and you will need to wait for him to recover.
    An_252333 replied to stevesmw's response:
    Thank you! That actually helps a lot.
    Giveintotrust replied to An_252333's response:
    I am 40 yrs of age and suffered from a similar problem up until 27 yrs of age.

    I was a chronic masturbater from 14 until 17 yrs of age, using porn, my imagination and even dressing in woman's underwear to heighten my climax before trying intercourse.

    The first time I was with a partner I wasn't able to climax and thought something was wrong. This continued all through my relationship for many years. My libido was very high and I was able to preform for long periods of time but the inability to orgasim without masterbing myself made me feel inadequate.

    After several years I attended a specialist who helped me overcome what I imaged to be a sexual disfunction. She explained to me that in order to overcome what I considered a problem I would have to stop masterbating myself completely, allowing for someone else to mature the pleasures I knew.

    It was a long process, after several months I began to respond by climaxing with and after my partner, to the point at 27 where my partner was capable of climaxing me by whether I wanted to hold of or not.

    Essentially from a young age I programmed myself to only become physically, emotionally and sexual vulnerable to myself with the imagery I had on hand or created. Masturbation was a solo effect and the reward orgasim that later no-one knew how to push/stroke the buttons to achieve except myself.

    Once I stopped masterbating then I discovered myself and became vulnerable to my partners.

    Blindfolded and submissive while tied to a chair was the first time I was able to climax, it took 3 hours of the most slow sex I ever had but it was the beginning of a whole new world.

    Try dominating him slow and gently, possibly he requires to submit to find that cascade.

    After you climax ask him to teach you, by taking your hand under or ontop of his and learn his stroke patterns and explain why he likes his style of play.

    Adapt what you learn into your love making. Try initiating it unexpectley for him, in a movie theatre, while driving, in a dressing room where try on new clothes in the store.

    Give him the porn action that he dreams of but is probably afraid to ask or divulge and it may also change the mental hurdle yet overcome.

    Blow his mind.
    jss123 responded:
    I had this problem. I got too used to masturbating when I was younger.
    When you are living at home and need to masturbate you grip your penis very tightly and stroke fast so you can orgasm quickly to lessen the risk of being caught.

    A vagina doesn't feel anything like that. (Especially with a condom on).
    The first few times I had sex I actually went soft a few times because I felt almost nothing.

    Position is everything when getting over this.
    Initially I found I only had an orgasm with my partner on top.
    (Reverse cowgirl).
    She'd go the extra mile and play with my testicles which was enough to send me over the edge. Once you orgasm a couple of times during intercourse you start worrying less about it and it becomes easier to orgasm in other positions.

    Hope that helps.

    Helpful Tips

    Can a female get something from a man with Epididymitis? More
    Was this Helpful?
    0 of 0 found this helpful

    Related Drug Reviews

    • Drug Name User Reviews

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

    For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website