Skip to content


    Attention All WebMD Community Members:

    These message boards are closed to posting. Please head on over to our new WebMD Message Boards to check out and participate in the great conversations taking place:

    Rough sex
    SweetAnonymity posted:
    I am VERY into rough sex. I love when my guy bites me to leave bruises, throws me around, calls me a whore, etc. It's been going pretty far lately. I love when he chokes me, I'm always squeezing his hand (our cue to choke harder) but he never chokes me quite as hard as I want. He is afraid to leave visible bruises. He also has started slapping me in the face, which I was surprised to be very into. Yesterday he slapped me and I saw stars and had the best orgasm of my life.

    We have a very good relationship. He calls me names and is rough in bed, but out of the bedroom he would never do any such thing. I can always tell him to stop and he will, I have total trust in him. We communicate well and regularly.

    Recently he has voiced concerns that he might go too far. It started when he was choking me and said he felt a crunch like he might hurt me and stopped. He told me after we were done and all I remember is wanting him to be rougher. He is worried he might get too into it and hurt me, but I know he wouldn't and I want him to go further. And he is very into being dominant, I can tell he wants to be rougher. My personality, I am a very big thrill seeker/ adrenaline junkie. I think I would want to stop before it went too far, but hen part of me wonders if I would keep telling him go more and not realize it was too much until later. Opinions? Advice on how to make him realize that I want him to be rough, I'll tell him to stop (and have) if he goes too far or I'm not in the mood, and that he won't hurt me?

    I really love this man and the sex with him is still great, but rough sex every once in a while is really amazing, something extra to throw things over the edge. But he's been holding back and I want things back to how they used to be.
    fcl responded:
    Firstly, please stop the choking. Even the most heavily into S&M don't do that. It's extremely dangerous and the risk isn't that he might leave bruises but that he might kill you...

    Secondly, you need a "safe word" to let him know when to stop. You decide on this in advance and it's a good idea to use the same one every time. Some people use their whole name (as in Beverly Tracy Smith) others prefer a word that has no relation to sex (giraffe, for instance). It's up to you to choose one and to make sure he understands that as soon as he hears it he STOPS whatever he is doing. If you are playing with gags then you need a visual signal. I suggest holding a tennis ball and when he goes too far, you drop it.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer responded:
    O.M.G.!!! Choking??? Haven't you heard? Some young lady died from that, not that long ago?! Never, ever get into that, try something else!

    Other than that, do what FCL has said! Keep the safe word, practice it often! Same with an eye cue!

    Be safe, have fun!!!

    SweetAnonymity responded:
    It might seem obvious, but I really don't understand why it's so dangerous. I understand that cutting off oxygen is dangerous, but worst case scenario if it goes too far and I lose consciousness he would obviously stop right away. Death sounds a bit exaggerated to me.

    I'm sure a safe word is a good idea; it might make him feel better too.
    fcl replied to SweetAnonymity's response:
    The danger stems from how it works - choking reduces blood flow to the brain which in turn reduces oxygen which in turn gives you a high that enhances orgasm.

    The trouble is that the line between losing consciousness and death is EXTREMELY fine. I would worry about this because it is clear from your original message that you are making things escalate and that this makes you typical of the type of person who CAN die during this kind of sex play.

    Another thing that you REALLY need to consider is that, if you lose consciousness and stop breathing (and this is perfectly possible with choking), if he cannot bring you back/round immediately you can suffer brain damage...
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    tmlmtlrl replied to fcl's response:
    Please also take into consideration that you are putting the man you love in a position to possibly be responsible for your death. That's really not fair or worth it. And it's not going to ease anyone's conscience that you wanted him to keep going.

    Do some research and find other rough/extreme sex acts to try. Obviously you have a partner happy and willing to go down that road. And a good man willing to speak up with his concerns.

    Another problem is that you're not going to know when you're about to pass out except when it's happening (ie. too late). And the risk of brain damage is as real as death.
    SweetAnonymity responded:
    He is CPR trained for his job so if it came down to it he would know what to do (I still could get brain damage though) BUT that said, I am with the right guy and I most definitely don't ever want to put him in that sort of position. He's concerned about me, and I wouldn't want him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable. I know deep down (even though i don't like to admit it) that I'm the sort of person that sometimes doesn't know when to stop.

    As for other acts, I'm already pretty extreme, but I'll have to do some research, I'm sure there's more to try. I hate to give it up cause I really really love it, and there are so many more dangerous things like knife play, and there I go trying to rationalize it again. But I want to be safe and most of all I want to never hurt my man the way that sort of thing could.

    Thanks for replying and not being too judgemental, I know this sort of thing is taboo for some people. ,
    topcop2003 replied to SweetAnonymity's response:
    I have been a Law Enforcement Officer 28 years. As a detective in the Violent Crimes Unit, I did not get to pick and choose who I prosecuted for murder. Notice I said MURDER, not HOMICIDE. That was up to the pretty man or woman in a suit/dress to decide. I can tell you that in 28 years I arrested 16 individuals for murder and of the 16, three were for violent sex acts that went terribly wrong. All were males whom used the "defense" as during the commission of rough consensual sexual relations. All three were found guilty and are serving time in the State Prison system ranging from 16 years to 28 years. That means they MUST serve a minimum 16 years first. Is that worth a great orgasm? I still remember autopsy photos of one woman whom the defendant stated "wanted it rougher" so he punched her cheek and shattered her jaw and broke her neck. The average juror probably doesn't belong to this Sexual Health Community and they looked upon that as murder.

    My point is that if you truly love your man, you need to think about his life. It is easy for all of us to sit here on the sidelines and comment about how dangerous your rough sexual behavior is, but the mere fact that you took the time to write four paragraphs and seek advice about such a risky subject tells me that you, yourself is confused and is scared about the well being of your lover. It does bother me a little bit that you show "no fear" for yourself. You wrote, " I'll have to do some research, I'm sure there's more to try. I hate to give it up cause I really really love it, AGAIN, think about the consequences you put your lover in. He is going along with these actions to please you and I am willing to bet he does not want to continue to inflict pain on you. HE IS DOING THIS FOR YOU ONLY!

    I really am non-judgmental, why not go to a sex therapist with your boy friend and truly see how he feels. Why subject him to criminal prosecution for your pleasure. Please re evaluate your wants, needs and desires. I'm not saying you have to stop rough sex, but do try and stop the choking and playing Russian roulette with BOTH of your lives. We are here to help you, not judge you. You said it yourself, " I know deep down (even though i don't like to admit it) that I'm the sort of person that sometimes doesn't know when to stop,"... the time to stop is now, stop at least the choking and take each day at a time. If you need friendly advice, all you have to do is ask.
    sluggo45692 replied to SweetAnonymity's response:
    CPR only works about 15% of the time. Even then it will do nothing for a crushed trachea. Anything near your "ABC's" are to dangerous for you and him. Do other research and find other extreme sexual acts that won't kill you. Have him stroke you on a roller coaster, tie you up and blindfold you or just spank your butt. Don't take a chance to loss your life or screw his up forever. All it takes is a loud moan or scream from you and the police see bruises. "DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" No matter what you say, he's listed as an abuser.
    We are not being judgemental, just wanting to safe guard a couple who want to have some fun. All it takes is good safeguards. Good Luck
    fcl responded:
    Here's a starting point for your exploration. Read "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It's a sort of beginner's guide to S&M. You'll find ideas that might suit you while being safe. It's also quite an entertaining read.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    SweetAnonymity replied to topcop2003's response:
    That is a new perspective and thank you for sharing it. You're right, the reason I'm posting this is for my man.

    However, I don't think you really understand it. He isn't inflicting pain on me. He raises me up to levels where things don't even really hurt, if that makes sense. And he certainly is not inflicting emotional pain. He was surprised at first by what a contradiction I am. I want him to slap my face, then kiss me and tell me he loves me. One balances out the other.

    He is into domination, in fact before him I had never had any type of rough sex. So he enjoys it and isn't only doing it to please me.

    I am definitely sworn off the choking, it isn't worth the risks. When I said I will find more to try, I mean I have no intention of giving up the rough sex when we are both into it. It's just about finding new things to do, and making sure we are safe about it.
    SweetAnonymity replied to sluggo45692's response:
    The domestic violence thing is a real concern for me. I happen to love when he bruises me, but we are careful about their location. I don't scream during sex or anything, but he lives in an apartment so I'm sure all the neighbors could hear if that happened. Also, if I ended up with visible bruises nothing I could say would matter to my family. I obviously don't want him marked as a woman beater.

    We've already done a lot though so finding new stuff could be a challenge. I've been spanked and whipped, slapped, tied up, blindfolded, we've used cameras, we even brought someone else into the bedroom once.
    SweetAnonymity replied to fcl's response:
    So far this book is really great! Thanks for the suggestion. I am basically just in the definitions and slang and stuff right now. I never considered myself a masochist, but seriously this book describes me exactly. And most of the things so far about communication, limits, and all that we already do. But I am learning a lot from it already.
    SweetAnonymity responded:
    I took your advice and did some research on the choking. This is very thorough, from a health professional. I felt it answered all my questions thoroughly.

    Helpful Tips

    wallgreens lol seriously
    I went on wallgreens looking for a curling iron. and i found some toys.. and inexpensive.. lol... i was lol... came in a box, very discreet ... More
    Was this Helpful?
    0 of 0 found this helpful

    Helpful Resources

    Related Drug Reviews

    • Drug Name User Reviews

    Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

    FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

    For more information, visit Dr. Becker-Phelps' website