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    Married but so lonely
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    cynicalwife posted:
    Hello all. This is really more of a rant than a question but I have been married for a little over two years and through the entire length of my short marriage I have only had sex with my husband about 7 times. Along with the lack of physical sexual contact there is no emotional intimacy. I feel as if my husband is punishing me and it is causing me to hate him more and more each day...I have initiated sex on a daily basis and am rejected every time. My ego is non existent and feel lonely, I cry nearly every day and know that love is not supposed to feel like this. Every once in a while my husband will give me pity sex in the hopes that I will stop mopping around..This weekend I passed by a victorias secret and decided to give it another shot..I dressed up in a corset and heels and nervously waited for him to arrive home. Nervous because I expected to be rejected and being exposed to hurt is never easy no matter how many times it's already happened. Not only was he not interested but the look of utter boredom was written all over his face. I feel humiliated that this cold person could crush my ego without guilt, angry that a life of celibacy was chosen without my consent, resentful that I am called 'selfish' because I want to feel close...I have suggested counseling, trip alone, date nights and all have been rejected with excuses of being too busy or stressed so I am expected to make due living as siblings. When I first heard the excuse of being stressed I started to help him with his class work by doing most of the assignments for him, when he needed anything I would rush out and do it, I tried to surprise him with cards, small gifts and all are just disregarded as if it doesn't matter all the while I am left even more emptier than before. I have suggested an open marriage and he was offended. I know this isn't normal especially for a couple in their early 30's but can anyone confirm that I am not selfish for wanting to be close to my husband? Is it safe to say that my husband has emotionally checked out or does it sound like depression?
     
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    mhtyler2 responded:
    Forget your husband, get some counseling for yourself. What on earth are you doing staying in a situation like that????
     
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    HimeSavvy responded:
    Ummm, why did you marry him in the first place? Did you guys rush into it? Sounds like he doesn't even love you. You deserve to be loved, everyone does. If he isn't interested then find a lawyer, especially if you have already tried the other options.
     
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    FCL responded:
    OK, so give me one good reason, just b one good reason, why you would stay? This isn't just about sex. He's humiliating you and (apparently) getting a kick out of it (otherwise, why continue doing it?). He's telling you that normal human feelings between a married couple (wanting to be close, to cuddle, to have sex) are abnormal. Uhhh... no. He doesn't have too much to do. He isn't that stressed out. What he's telling you is that his marriage is way down on his list of priorities. It doesn't even seem to make second last place. He won't even make the time to do something about this. His marriage does not warrant any kind of effort as far as he's concerned. Life is too short to be miserable. Try to imagine yourself in ten years time. Do you still want to be stuck with this person? I'd be looking for a divorce if I were you. He's not going to change - he's already made that clear. If you want to make a last ditch effort, make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and tell him that you expect him to go with you. Make it clear that if he won't go then he can consider your marriage to be OVER and that you are going to get a divorce. Good luck.
     
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    cynicalwife responded:
    I agree with everyone especially FCL's comment that our relationship is either last on the list of priorities or not even on the list. He's made it apparent that this is the way marriages are intended to be. In his mind he believes that marriage is all about financial stability and raising children. He told me that part of being a "grown up" is sucking it up and dealing with it. Either this is the excuse he wants me to believe or he wants me to give up and leave. We have little babies and this is the reason why I have remained here. I think about what I will feel like in 10 years and it honestly depresses me. I don't know if he feels guilty or feels like he needs to give me a bit of attention to keep me around a bit but he has attempted to reach out for sex these past two days. This is what ends up giving me a bit of hope but I already know that this is all I will receive until next year. I just want to feel close to him or at least get along with him for the kids sake.
     
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    mhtyler2 responded:
    I can't help wondering how this abusive man managed to win your heart in the first place? Did things instantly change once the ink was dry? Finally, I have to ask why you went ahead and got pregnant with such a man? All of the above is only a post mortem of course, but it would be good background for us, and offer insight into a solution. Our advice is absolutely useless when you spend paragraph after paragraph describing to us what a horrible person he is, and then finish it off with: "I just want to feel close to him". You need to come to grips with an important contradiction: either your description of him is greatly exaggerated, or your conclusion that you just need to find a way to feel closer is dead wrong, This is why I suggested that its you that needs the counseling: he knows exactly who he is and why (however unpleasant). You altogether don't. In my experience there are only two reasons a person puts up with your situation: money, and low self esteem. Often the two go hand in hand. Here is what your solution ISN"T going to look like: You are NOT going to fix him. He just loves who he is and has no reason to change. He holds all the power...you gave it to him. Things are NOT going to get better on there own. They'll get worse. Your babies are NOT going to thank you for staying in a loveless marriage when they're old enough to understand. OTOH your life will be largely over and there won't be nearly so much to worry about. So....when you say you agree with everyone, and then say...I just want to feel close to him...you haven't read a single word with understanding. YOU are the problem, not him. You're the problem because you married someone of low degree, and then complicated it with pregnancy, and finally are unable to see where your own interests lie and how to pursue them. Get some counseling for _your_ issues so that you can find a solution that doesn't include toxic men, and that allows you to take responsibility for your own happiness. mark
     
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    FCL responded:
    i " at least get along with him for the kids sake" You can put a veneer on what you're living to try to convince yourself that you're "getting along" with him but it won't convince anybody else. Above all, your children will be painfuilly aware that you are in a loveless marriage, that father is emotionally abusing you and that you are allowing him to. Kids pick up on these things very quickly. Is this the view of marriage that you wish to give them? Do you want them to grow up in a home where there is no love between their parents? Can you imagine what an emotionally sterile place their home would be? How much of your time and love can you give to your children when you are struggling to get your husband to show you the kind of love and attention that you are entitled to? Staying in a loveless marriage is not necessarily a good thing. OK, so you've thought about yourself ten years down the line. Now think about what life will be like for your children ... Do you want to be a martyr so they can have the privilege of being miserable too? Think about it long and hard. I very much agree with Mark that, whatever happens, counselling is primordial for you to help you work through your issues - whether or not you go to marriage counselling or not.
     
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    crazyfoot40 responded:
    cynicalwife...Without knowing your husband (if you want to call him that?) I would bet that he is getting his sex somewhere else and hasn't got the courage to admit it or leave you on his own. It sounds like he is coaxing you to throw him out or leave him so he can place the blame on you and maybe save himself a few bucks in a divorce settlement. Even if all that is not true, he's still a jerk. Tom
     
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    buttonfly responded:
    You should get away from that husband just as fast as you can. He does not appreciate you at all and the longer you stay there the more it is going to damage you psychologically. You should have no problem finding a man who appreciates you and the things you do to try to please your husband. Life is too short to waste yourself on a selfish, self-centered man....


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