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    New here.... hoping that I am posting in the right place.
    An_240624 posted:
    I hope I an posting this in the right place, if not I am so sorry and please disregard. Newbie here with a problem. I am a 40 yr old female who has been happily married for 17 years. My husband and I have always had a wonderful sex life. When we were first married, I had problems trying to have an orgasm and in fact never had one. After a while in our marriage I started having them with penetration and masturbation. I absolutely love being with my husband and actually crave it. Here recently, I have been having problems having orgasms during sex.I can get it to that point but it just disappears We have added toys to help in that department but sometimes it is still difficult to achieve. The only thing that I can think of that changed is our sex lube. They no longer make the one that we used. We do have 2 children so I am not sure if it's the thought that they could walk in on us or if it's something from my self conscience that is blocking it for some reasons. We have many time when we have very nice foreplay sessions, other times are restricted. Even though I can't orgasm with my husband I can orgasm by masturbation alone. Is there anything that we can try to help? It is very frustrating to know I cannot enjoy this. I don't want my husband to think that it is him. I believe that he thinks he is at least part of the problem because he told me he was sorry.I told him he shouldn't be because it was me and not him. Thank you so much in advance.
    alaska_mommy responded:
    I think the psychological aspect of it is a big part in whether of not you can orgasm. I know for me if I am distracted or self-conscious for some reason it takes me much longer and much more stimulation is needed to orgasm. I also go through periods--a week or two sometimes---where I can't orgasm during intercourse. Usually the problem spontaneously resolves.

    You aren't on any medications, are you? Antidepressants and blood pressure meds are notorious for their sexual side effects.
    An_240624 replied to alaska_mommy's response:

    Thank you for your reply and for telling me your story.
    I too have the problem with distractions but I am usually able to get over that rather quickly.
    The only medication I am on is my seizure medicine. I have never had this problem with my husband. We are very close to each other and we actually will say the exact same thing together at the same time and if one of us is thinking of something the other would say it out loud. I hate that this is happening and have told him about it. Yesterday, he said he was sorry because it was his fault, of course I disagreed.
    I am a stay at home mom and go to school online. My husband works long hours and here lately we have not had the chance to really spend time together. There are times when we both are too tired to do anything and we end up going to sleep. I am hoping that is what the problem is. I plan on doing some relaxation techniques to help resolve the possibility of unknown stress.
    Could I be ruining my chance of orgasm in sex by masturbating when I am alone (and get some free time)?
    Thank you again for your reply.
    alaska_mommy replied to An_240624's response:
    Sometimes for me the things that factor into me orgasming are so numerous that I can't hope to interpret why I'm not having one. It can be that I'm not feeling well, or I'm tired, or I have a headache, or the onset of a UTI, to a minor disagreement between hubby and me, to not feeling loved, or me feeling self-conscious about my weight, or not focusing on myself and my feelings enough during sex, or worrying that I'm taking too long or that he's getting worn out.

    For me it helps to just close my eyes, not worry about time constraints, and really focus on the "good feelings" or sensations in my body and honing in on that. Also fantasizing some about my husband while my eyes are closed or imagining what's coming next during foreplay. Lots and lots of foreplay helps. Oral sex is my favorite in that regard.

    You could also try taking a hiatus from masturbating for a few days, or even taking a short break from sex if your husband is up for that.
    Good luck!
    Blake_Valentine replied to An_240624's response:
    Guy here, so I don't claim 1st-hand knowledge when it comes to female orgasm, but I did want to offer an overall comment on the question you posed. I think in matters of sex, especially as we age, there is a use-it or lose-it quality to our bodies, whether it relates to your favorite sport or sex. From my experience, if I masturbate today, my orgasm tomorrow will be slightly delayed, and maybe a little muted. But that diminished sensitivity might last only a day longer, then I'm back to 100%. But if I go too long without sex, solo or partner, I don't perform as well, the blood doesn't seem to pound as hard, and I don't have a very strong orgasm. I don't think you are hurting your chances of coming by self-pleasuring, as long as it's not excessive, and it doesn't sound from your post like it is.
    bob249 replied to An_240624's response:
    I'm not a doctor ... but have 62 years of experience with my body.

    Even with heavy time demands, I suspect you need more physical exercise. Do you have a stationary bicycle? That would allow activity while watching young 'uns.

    My sister was a very busy realtor some years back and used her gym membership for regular visits. When I asked her how she could spend time at the gym when she'd already had a long day she said "Expending energy adds energy". May not be an exact quote.

    I was a computer person for many years and would end the day very tired. But walking the dog, washing the car, or helping with household chores was often more refreshing than a nap for me ...

    Alternatively, does your hubby help out in the house?
    I've never minded vacuuming and the Lady appreciates the assist.

    Good Luck!
    Jeremy3456 replied to bob249's response:
    Excercise can certainly help get your energy back. After a long day, it's the last thing you feel like doing, but once you do it, you feel better and have more energy. For me, exercise also improves my flexibility and sensory awareness of my body in general.

    For An_240624, I would say your problem might be a lack of natural lubrication which sometimes happens. Buy another lubricant; my fiance uses a very slippery one (I don't know what it's called) but you only need a couple drops. That makes getting into sex easier because you don't need to spend effort simply making yourself wet before you get into actual sexual play. And there's nothing wrong with masturbating by yourself sometimes.
    heavenscenttreasures replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
    Thank you for your response. It is nice to have a comment from a guy's perspective. I understand what you are saying. My husband had experienced that from time to time.
    An_240624 replied to alaska_mommy's response:
    Sorry I have not written back in a while. We had to go out of town because my husband had to have surgery. I believe that since we both live hectic lives that it can be a combination of stress, tiredness and not having the time that we had in the past for foreplay. Foreplay is a big turn on for me and my husband knows just what buttons to push. We just found a place that can watch our children every two weeks from 6 pm to 11pm on Saturdays. For both of them to go, it costs us $40. That is cheaper than a babysitter, especially for to kids. Anyway, I have one Saturday planned for a romantic getaway from it all, leave everything outside of the door kind of nights. It will just be the two of us and we can take as long as we need (or want) and not feel rushed or fear of kids coming in for something.
    On a positive note though, everything seems to be going good. We have both been going to bed really late, like around 1 am or 2 am. We both have to get up around 7 am, so there have been many nights of quickies. Even though quickies don't last very long at all, they give me great pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I so love the other way too. I wish I could have a mixture of both.
    Thanks for your reply.
    An_240624 replied to bob249's response:
    Thank you for your reply. I have some exercise equipment, like a treadmill and some weights, a mat, etc to do exercise on. I do manage to get some exercise in and plan on putting some more time into it. I walk up or down stairs whenever I can instead of the elevator.

    My husband is great at helping around the house, he will cook, load the dishwasher, wash clothes, sweep, vacuum, mop, trash, etc.
    An_240624 replied to Jeremy3456's response:
    Thank you for your reply. We have since bought a couple of different lubrication's that seem to help. We have also went out and bought some new but different to us toys. Experiencing with new toys has been exciting.

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