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    Is She Cheating?
    An_253594 posted:
    I agree with Sluggo65492's suggestions, but have you also made sure she's not cheating on you? If she's not willing to try and solve the problem with you, then there may be something else going on.
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    An_253462 responded:
    Has she cheated in the past with others. Once a running dog always a running dog. For men or women that cheat it is a character flaw. I met my wife and fooled around with her when she was dating someone else. I though she just liked me better. I have been putting up with 22 years of her messing up ever few year. The last time was after kids and it makes it harder to leave.My advice is get out now before its to late of your going to keep getting burned over and over.
    tlkittycat1968 replied to An_253462's response:
    I don't agree with the once a cheater, always a cheater belief. There is a regular poster on WebMD who cheated on an ex-BF because he was abusive and controlling. She knows it wasn't right and is currently with someone she has not cheated on because it's a healthy relationship.
    sluggo45692 responded:
    I don't which suggestions your talking about, but cheating is a big deal. I agree with tlkittycat1968 . Not every cheater will cheat again. I was cheated on by "ex-wife". I don't know if she cheated on her current bf, (don't care) but each person is different and everyone has reasons for what the do. Some people it compulsion, others it's a one time mistake, yet other's it was just something that happened. I can say this,each person has to live with their own decisons and actions. How they deal with it is a big part of who they are. Good Luck
    701218jon replied to sluggo45692's response:
    I agree with 1968 & 45692. There are always exceptions to every rule but it has been my experience growing up and living in the same small town my whole life 41 years. I know everyone in town and it seems that the people who cheated in high school and college are more likely to get bored or mad or what ever excuse a cheater comes up with in there mind to crush there partner. To be in a monogamous relationship is a personal contract at the very least a promise of fidelity and It seems like the type to break that deal at 17-21 is more likely to repeat the offense at middle age. Stereo types exist for a reason people can change but I stand by my life experience and say if she is cheating at the beginning the odds are not in your favor 5,10,20 years down the road that she or he will not repeat
    dfromspencer responded:
    People change! People can change themselves! I was cheated on, didn't make me go out and cheat! It is a personal decision.

    It is not "Once a cheater, always a cheater"!!! I once had a girlfriend that proved that! She was abused and cheated on, she never did that to him, nor me! I was with her for four years.

    701218jon replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Dennis she was not the one cheating so your point makes no sense. Hows the old boy friend doing . I bet cheating when he can. I have been cheated on and I have never cheated. The girl that cheated on me is still up to it. Again I understand that 100% of the time that if someone cheats they will not do it again. Its a stereo type. The real number might be 75-80%. Most of the girls or guys that I grew up with were the type in high school and college to keep dating there current girl or boy friend until they were well into the hook up phase with the new relationship. then and only then would they break it off. The beginnings of a cheater. Cheating is a character flaw like stealing or lying.
    Warped1983 responded:
    Once someone has cheated, that worry will always be there.
    tee_w replied to 701218jon's response:
    Fidelity is a misunderstood and poorly-used word. True fidelity - being faithful - is a 2-way street. To most people it simply means you can't have sex with the neighbor etc. They never stop to think about what "being faithful" requires out of the other person. You cannot be unfaithful to something that doesn't exist. If a spouse (wife, in my case) takes sex out of the equation and she has no good reason or excuse (i.e. medical issue etc) then they have no right to cry foul later. If your wife chooses - verbally says so - to not share emotional intimacy with you, or go golfing with you etc, you cannot be accused of cheating by sharing those things with someone else.
    Now obviously golfing and having sex are very different things to share with someone, but the point is the same. I have always said that on a priority scale, sex is by far and away at the top of the list - #1. #2 - whatever it may be in each relationship - is a distant second. Many women seem to deny this and come up with all kinds of things jammed in their Top-20 list like putting the toilet seat down, taking out the trash, mowing the yard, not being a slob, or perhaps even money. Sex will slot in somewhere around #30. And that, is living in total denial. Try violating any of those items listed higher than sex and at best you may receive a cold shoulder treatment or stern reminder. You violate Sex at #30 and all hell breaks loose and "suddenly" it jumps to #1 - frequently even erasing the entire rest of the phoney list! Whoops! How did that happen? Well, it was really #1 all along and the person who treated it with a priority ranking of #30 or whatever was NOT being faithful to that relationship or honest with themselves.
    My standard is whether you can pay someone to do it. And as such, you can pay someone to mow your yard, take out your trash, clean the house, do the laundry and even share emotional intimacy with you (such as a marriage counselor or psychologist listening to someone cry about their sad life and marriage). But you cannot pay someone for sex without causing all kinds of social and legal issues - ie a valid reason for divorce in many states. And the point that I tell people is that it should be treated as an issue with kid gloves, like gold or something precious, and ALWAYS given the very highest priority and treatment. Anything less or not agreed upon by both parties is infidelity whether they are having sex outside the marriage or not.
    If you can understand all that, then you can also understand how people actually choose to have an open marriage. Love does not equal sex. I think some people are very honest with themselves and their spouse and simply deem sex not important for whatever reason and turn their spouse loose. Just be sure and come home each night, don't spend all our money buying gifts for someone else etc, don't tell the kids or cause us embarrassment in the community etc. If two people are in agreement on the issue, then good for them. I'm not in an open marriage myself. My wife took sex off the table years ago - the reason was always changing but I'm quite sure she is a classic case of mid-life depression: a stay-at-home mother of 3 hyper kids wondering why all our neighbors have bigger TV's and newer cars. She's terrible at communication and sees a bogeyman behind every bush (ie affairs where they simply don't exist). I would have sex several times a week if I could and it has caused deep depression in myself to be attracted to my wife and want to be intimate with her, yet having to be mocked and go without. Yet through it all she still wants to hold the fidelity card over my head - like I'm locked in some kind of one-way contract and she has no obligations whatsoever. We have 3 children still at home and for a host of reasons, divorce is not an option for me. So what would you do? What does true fidelity mean to you who are reading this?
    Thanks for reading, and God Bless all of you.
    sluggo45692 replied to tee_w's response:
    Hey tee_w.

    Been there, Done that. Only 2 kids. Went 2 years with out sex and then got a BJ that cost me 5 more years in a loveless marriage. She stepped out and I divorced the cheating B---H.
    Your not alone in any of this. The only advise I can give you is Keep trying and don't cheat.

    Counceling, Doctors, Begging, offer anything, but don't cheat.

    I have read all of your post and agree with you. Sex has to be high in the relationship. I know I'll get beat up by saying this, but my relationship with my gf is and always will be put out or get out. That is on both of us. If there is something medically wrong, that is different. Sex is important. There is no way around it. My father is a 74 year old heavy smoker alcoholic. He still expects it from his woman friends.

    Some suggestions:

    1) Lay down the law with/to the kids. My children always understood. you get what you get. Don't complain what little Johnny or Susie has or is getting.

    2) Lay down a little law to the wife. She is to find time to go out and be with you. I have a friend who has 2 autistic children. He and his wife schedule 1 afternoon a week for a date. 4 hours. Both of his children need to wear head gear from time to time and they still make time for themselves. They both have full time jobs.

    3) DON'T take being mocked from anyone. If your children do it take something away from them. A week without a cell phone will do wonders. Your wife does it, take something away from her. Tell her to go live with her mom or with the person she's comparing you to for a while. Your partners in life, not her punching bag. At times like that you have to be an A--Hole.

    I know I can only read your side of the story, but I see a lot of what I went through.
    Fidelity to me is you stand by you partner through it all until they show no fidelity to you. My ex had sex with the maintance man. Greatest thing he ever did for me. LOL
    Good Luck

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