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    az330 posted:
    Tired of living. Tired of these expectations. Tired of fighting for everything. Will anything ever go nice and smooth? I feel like taking my own life. I won't have to feel or remember anything anymore. I wish I could have just one minute of peace. Tired of medications, tired of doctors, tired of talking, Tired of life. Suicide feels like such a great option. I hate my life and everything in it. I am not worthy of anything good. I have come to the conclusion that healing is not possible. Dying of a broken heart.....
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
  • **************** TRIGGER **********************
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
  • **************************************************** *************** ************************************** ******************************

    Miss AZ, right now you are fighting for your life. You are being pumped full of meds designed to KILL the cancer cells.

    What you are experiencing is normal feelings. That would swamp any normal person.

    The battle is 10x harder as a survivor...your body is again being invaded by not only cancer but my doc and tests and medications.

    Don't make any decisions in this head space. Ride it out.

    Don't expect to make any headway in healing from the SA, until you are out of this spin cycle of the cancer.

    Right now that is your focus.

    SA stuff crop up, write it down in a note book. Say aloud, Stuff to deal with later, I have enough on my plate.

    Suicidal thoughts crop up, hug yourself and say, "who wouldn't want to get out of where I am right now."

    Thoughts of unworthiness crop up, go stand before a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself "That is a lie, I am worthy."

    Seek out support from the sources you draw strength from. Daily if need be.

    Borrow a cat and hold it.

    Write more here.

    Yell and scream.

    Make sure you are being fully treated, tell the doc's the truth about physical symptoms and the mental ones as well.


    peace be the journey

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    slik_kitty responded:
    tnmist responded:
    Dear AZ: Good advice above. I hope you are doing better. I recently wrote to Mary, and I could echo those thoughts here, too. I have appreciated your thoughts and encouragement on this board. Please keep fighting for your health and healing on every level.

    I fight those thoughts, too, at times, thoughts of suicide, more often than I care to admit.

    {{{{soft, gentle hugs to you, AZ}}}}
    az330 responded:
    Thank you for the advice and encouragment. Things are so difficult and on top of it memories are being triggered. Its hard to juggle everything.. I am always sick and hate all the medications, hopefully this nightmare will be over soon. Tired of feeling suicidal. I always feel like jumping off that cliff...
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to az330's response:
    how much longer on treatment?
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I have another month of treatment....Today is rough. I just want to die. I am so tired of everything. I feel so overwhelmed and depressed today. I am sick to my stomach. WHY ME???

    I need a hug....
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to az330's response:

    Oh dear one, I wish I could slip in unnoticed and clean your house for you. Do all your chores and make you a light supper.

    Wish I could change the year till spring and you can go outside and see the new spring grass growing and bask in the warm sun.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Feeling very suicidal tonight. My body hates me and is rebeling against me. I am trying to be strong but right now nothing is helping me. I has another round today and I feel so nauseous weak and alone.....Mentally I don't know how much I can keep going. I am in hell..

    Needing to be held tightly now....
    tnmist replied to az330's response:
    az330 replied to tnmist's response:
    Thank you.....Thank you for your support guys. I really really need it. I dont know what else to do. Im tired of being sick...I curse my rotten parents for my genetics. Physically and mentally exhausted. All I can do is wrap myself in a blanket and cry myself to sleep...Not a good way to start the year.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to az330's response:
    I really admire your courage AZ. That you are fighting the cancer and fighting mental unrest.

    I have two lumps in my breast that were supposed to be biopsied in Oct. I canceled the appointment. I can't even face the possibility.

    You have a lot more strength then I do. You are getting it done and surviving. Do you realize how powerful that makes you? You are telling the cancer..."you can't have me, I will fight you."

    That takes some balls. You may feel physically weak and mentally beat up, but woman you are hanging on to a clothes line in a hurricane with a vice grip, and that impresses the heck out of me.

    Warms the SA board pink blanket in the dryer. Wraps it around you snuggly. ((((((((((((AZ)))))))))))))
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I am not strong....Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting for a life that has been so full of pain? The flashbacks sometimes are scary and it takes time for me to ground myself.
    Today I don't feel so sick. I am weak and just don't have alot of energy. I have seen therapist in weeks. I don't like to be out alot because my immune system is so weak and I don't like they way I look.

    I feel so alone today.I have alot of emotions locked inside that I cannot process. I just don't have the energy. I'm really hurting emotionally today. I feel so lost..There is nothing anyone can do...I guess I just needed someone to listen to me.

    Needing a hug today but know that it is not going to be enough today...Not sure what to do????
    tnmist replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Please get them biopsied. If it's nothing, then you can relax, and if it is something, it is much better to squash the problem early rather than trying to tackle it later. Please don't keep waiting. If there is a friend who can go with you, that's good, too.

    ((gentle hugs to you))


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