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    Some observations and gratitude for all of you
    tnmist posted:
    The general public, most people who have never experienced SA, many of our friends, bosses, and even family, sometimes ESPECIALLY family, just don't understand the nature of the trauma or its consequences or how much effort we have to put into healing. People think it's like a car accident, if they believe us at all, and wonder why we can't just "get over it" and "move on." They certainly can't seem to wrap their brains around the concept of FBs and triggers. Most just prefer to keep their rose-colored glasses on and believe that SA is rare and that's it's just something in the past to leave alone.

    But HERE, on this board, I am believed, validated, encouraged, strengthened, and understood on some level by all the other members. Not one of us has had the exact same journey, but we have all been hurt to the core of our beings, some of us to the point of surviving by fracturing into multiple identities.

    HERE we can kick, scream, rant, cry, huddle in a corner, accept hugs, and give hugs because we have a common bond and it is, as far as I know, a SAFE place to do all those things. Just KNOWING that someone knows I'm having an extra bad day and can't stop the tears is comforting.

    I hope all of you feel the same way. I want to thank all of you, too, for that support. This journey would be so much harder without each of you. It truly would.

    I can count on one hand how many flesh-and-blood people in my life understand and support my journey, some more than others, but it's still very few. Some people have dropped me, for whatever reason, or have not acknowledged in ANY way what I have told them, even when I'm careful to only share a little bit. If it's an email, it gets ignored. If it's a conversation, the subject gets changed, I think partly because, like when someone dies, it's sometimes hard to know what to say, but, honestly, support doesn't have to be in the form of words, and those reactions just add fresh wounds on top of the old ones. Or, some people think I just use my past as an excuse for the problems in my life now. It goes back to the just-move-on asinine mentality.

    I encourage you to continue using this forum. We need each other. If you are doing well and are healing - that is wonderful. Maybe check in with us once in awhile to drop a line of encouragement, please. If you are struggling and it's hard to communicate at all, I think we get that, too, but if you are able to drop us a short note and share with us that you are struggling, I believe you will be strengthened by others here who will respond with kind words and gentle hugs.

    I can only speak for myself, but for many years I was taught to keep quiet, no one will believe you, etc., and after the lessons were taught I fully believed them, so much so that I didn't even remember anything until last year. This board gives me a chance to practice speaking out. I know longer have to be quiet and I will be believed.

    Thank you again for being here and for "listening" to my long posts.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    marysings responded:
    Dear Misty,

    Your post is beautiful to read! Thank you for taking all that this community is and putting it in black and white.

    My husband and I are going to be working on couples therapy with a local social worker. I had the first appointment and told her I thought if she knew my background, it might help later. I expected it would be like telling a story. I was not expecting the tears or dissociating.

    So I shared that with DrB and he said he expected that the one particular incident was not completely worked through. He also told me that the goal of therapy is not to erase the emotions. It's to help me deal with the abuse without being a blubbering mess. So we're going to work on the abuse again. sigh

    I hope we'll have a check-in of all members and guests of this community. We must stick together!

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    soulkeepers responded:
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to soulkeepers's response:
    I am here.

    I feel like poo poo.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    tnmist replied to marysings's response:
    Thank you Mary. (Wish there was an edit button, 'cuz I saw at least one type-o, but it's understood, so I won't worry about it.)

    The way I understand this "healing" road is that as I unload the backpack of garbage (the memories) and believe myself and my brain, more things may or may not come up, but over time they won't be so devastating. At some point, it will be like, "Okay, another memory, well, it doesn't really surprise me because I believe myself now, and I don't own any of the shame tied in with it, and, most importantly, this doesn't define who I am."

    I'm not there yet, not by a long shot, but I also don't want to be stuck in all the emotions and overwhelming awfulness of it all either, so, like you, I keep plugging away at therapy and keep checking back here, too.

    It sounds like things are progressing for you, Mary. ((hugs))
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
  • *Waves a little hello at Soul and LLT***

    LLT, ya, I know about poo. I've had a few days off with the crazy notion that I would actually get something done around the house or something, but I've mostly been sleeping. You know what? I told myself it's okay. I'm taking a med that isn't working, and I'm doing good to take a shower and take care of the pets. Sometimes we can only manage the basics. Sometimes it's better. I'm slowly learning not to beat myself up about not "taking advantage" of every free minute to try to catch up with the house or yards. This go 'round, I guess I was catching up with sleep and escaping some, too. It is what it is.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
    Misty, that was/is a great post. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner. This is a great place, and one of the few places, that we can come for support from people that understand what we've been through.

    Mary, it's good to see you. I hope that everything goes well with the couples therapy. Let us know how it goes. (((hugs)))

    Soul, (((hugs)))

    LLT, I hope that you feel better now. Please take care of yourself and be safe. (((hugs)))

    Hugs all around. LOL
    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    twiglet responded:
    Dear Misty,

    I see so much of myself in what you say. I too have only just started facing memories I myself have held repressed. My father was violent and emotionally abusive to me too. Having spent years coming to terms with that, to a debatable degrees of success, I have found that the sexual abuse has caused the most enduring damage, not least because shame and self-doubt have caused me to hide it, even from myself, for so long.

    I have recently been asked by my therapist to write down what I remember of the sexual abuse. I am finding it so hard. As I try and condemn my father as the pedophile my therapist assures me he is, I desperately search for excuses for him. That I am misremembering, exaggerating, at worst making it up. That how maybe he wasn't being actually sexually aroused, rather than just acting a irresponsibly and inappropriately through ignorance.

    Condemning my dad as a pedophile is proving a million times more difficult than as a wife/child beater/drunk/emotional abuser. I think it is because of the guilt I feel when I admit it. The confusion it leads to in my head about my own actions and degree of complicity, whether I am not in fact the deviant person imposing a false interpretation on innocent events.

    I am so glad I have found this forum, and your sensitive and intelligent post. I would love to hear about your experiences of 'recovery' and how your doing. This is such a lonely process after all.

    Best wishes on this beautiful day.
    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Thank you, Rose. I appreciate your being here, too. ((hugs))
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    tnmist replied to twiglet's response:
    Hi, Twiglet (interesting nickname!). I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry it is from the reasons why. Like many of us, it sounds like your childhood was no picnic, but it also sounds like you are working on recovery, too, and that takes a lot of courage. So, kudos to you!

    Everyone wants a hero for a father, someone safe you can run to who will defend you and protect you, encourage you, train you, laugh and cry with you, advise you, and be in your life for as long as possible. When that hope is ripped to shreds or seems sometimes real and sometimes the opposite, it leaves a hole in our souls that no one else can fill.

    As you feel comfortable, I would like to know more of your story. It sounds like you survived every sort of abuse.

    The bare bones of my story are under my profile (simply click on my picture to go there).

    Even though I never thought highly of my progenitor and have been depressed for as long as I remember, I still struggle very much with believing myself. My memories don't jive at ALL with what I grew up remembering. Not one piece. It's like I'm remembering 2 different people. Yes, he was impatient and angry at times (okay, a lot of the time), but he also held a steady job, rarely drank, could have a good sense of humor, could fix anything, and valued family. Our pets loved him (so much for dogs sensing the character of a person, hmmph).

    The memories I've always had and now the new memories seem polar opposite. My T (therapist) will believe me and validate me, even get angry for me, and explain how this is reality, and then the next time I see him he needs to do it all over again. He explains that I have no motive for generating this stuff (progenitor has been dead for years now), it's very painful, there is certainly no monetary gain, even HOW I remember is consistent with how children at different ages perceive things, and it totally fits with all my symptoms I have had all these many years and actually explains the mystery of my oldest sister's life and her early death at age 37. It really makes more sense to believe all of it rather than disbelieve it, yet I continue to struggle mightily with this new reality.

    My struggle is such that it is hurting my progress and hurting my inner child, yet I continue to struggle.

    Sometimes anger bubbles up. I think my T (and 2 of my closest friends) are waiting for me to embrace the anger that goes with all of this, but the depth of my sadness and the extent of my anger scares me. I need to talk to my T about these things, but I'm finding it harder and harder to talk at all - or even write out my thoughts. I'm not sure what is happening. I don't want to totally fall apart and maybe end up hospitalized, and right now if I let my anger out I only want to hurt myself, so I would end up hospitalized that way, too, possibly.

    He reminds me that it's okay to express anger, but it can't be directed at myself, my pets, or property. It seems silly, but I honestly have to remind myself of those things that seem so basic.

    I'm rambling again. Not sure where I was going with this note except that I'm glad you wrote, Twiglet, and I hope you will write again.

    (A word of advice, if you write anything of length here, be sure to highlight it and copy it just in case WebMD glitches and doesn't post it. OR, sometimes it doesn't seem to post, but if you refresh the page or check a little later it is there.)
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    bluerose90 replied to twiglet's response:
    Hi Twiglet,

    I just wanted to welcome you to the board but like Misty said, I'm sorry for why you're here. It can be quiet around here but there are regulars that pop in. We are all in different stages of healing, but we are here to help one another as much as possible on the journey. I'm so sorry for everything that you've gone through... If you feel like you need to vent, talk to someone, or just throw something out into the void to get it out this is a safe place to do it.

    Please take care of yourself and have a good night.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.

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