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    healing or choosing not to heal - triggery?
    Some things tossed around the board recently gave rise this discussion.

    Is the ultimate goal of going into therapy to heal from SA?

    Or is it more complex then that.

    Guess first we need to define healed.

    For me I don't think its is possible to be healed. But rather to be healing.

    Healed to me = finished /completed.

    So I can't see that to be the goal of therapy. We will always be affected to one point or another by the abuse. It has sadly left its imprint on us.

    The goal of therapy is my this:

    To learn to live with what I carry. To drop what I don't need to haul around and to practice the art of healing. (ie self parenting and using healthy coping skills.)

    I left therapy in my 20's thinking "I'M HEALED"

    as I grew and got more life experience under my belt and aged into a different head space I discovered, ...I need to heal again.

    That I am now ready to tackle some of the deeper issues in my soul. I am now able to peek under some more rocks in my head.

    Something I couldn't do in my twenties. That is when I realized its a healing journey. That it doesn't end, that it will ebb and flow like the tide...and my job was to learn to swim in it or learn to leap the waves.

    A member here mentioned the choosing of not to heal. I honor and respect that. In a way holding it is standing your ground and saying, I would rather stay here in this place of familiar pain then leave and be subjected to a new pain I am not familiar with.

    Its saying "I known the rules of this madness that was inflicted upon me, and as strange as it may sound...this is where I feel I belong."

    and there is nothing wrong with that choice. It is after all you standing up to the lack of control in your life/body and saying firmly. "I get to choose now."

    That choosing brings power and control. That is a necessary component to finding peace within your self.

    Healing? peace? how about just having "life" within your soul, the ability to breath and not have to hurt 24/7.

    Sometimes the goal of therapy is just to learn to breath.

    What end goal you strive for is personal. What plateaus you reach only you will know, what will trigger you to work on your healing journey again in the future? only the future knows.

    Realizing you are where you are supposed to be right now and not rushing yourself to be somewhere else is a strong lesson. As is realizing your back pedaling to avoid going forward.

    Even if your journey is marching endlessly in the same spot till the ground is packed and hard you are still on a healing journey.

    Each of us must decide for ourselves where we are going and when its time to stop and rest and when its time to get up and run.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    bluerose90 responded:
    I replied to this awhile ago but I think that the board goblin ate it. o.0

    Well said DDT. Healing is a journey. A very long one. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm at and where I'm going. As I'm sure a lot of us on here are.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    marysings responded:
    I really liked this post, Paja. When it's all said and done, we should make the final choice. Thank you for your wisdom.

    We are headed tomorrow morning for our annual buying show. It's like a family reunion. We know the struggles and victories of our peers. And trying on nice pieces of jewelry is an added bonus!

    I'm into my eleventh year of therapy. Albert is now questioning why it's taking so long. DrB tells me I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life. He said Severe Depression needs to be watched closely. Soon we will go back to every-other week. I'm hoping that by the end of this year we are at every-third week.

    I have one of the toughest 'homework' assingments I've ever had from Dr.B. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I told him that HE had the answers and he told me, "no, I just ask the questions". sigh

    I'm taking my computer with me on this trip. I'll 'talk' to you later.

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    tnmist replied to marysings's response:
  • *******TRIGGER?******************

    I liked this thread/post, too, Mary. I've been in therapy on and off for chronic major depression for over 20 years now, and only last year did the memories begin to surface. Both my T and I believe I finally know the root cause of the depression. (I think he suspected it all along, but I made it clear from the beginning when I started seeing him that I would not discuss that scenario because I had absolutely no memory of any such events occurring to me, and he respected that boundary. I felt I had to establish that right from the get-go because other therapists before him had insisted on SA being in my past, and I couldn't handle it.)

    I am currently in a terrible pit of depression and having a difficult time trying to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to change/adjust/add medications. I feel like giving up. My house and yard are in shambles as a testimony to how I feel, that's for sure. I wish sometimes that some church folks or someone would be willing to come help clean once and do the yards, but depression is never looked at like, say, someone acutely physically ill or just recovering from surgery where usually lots of good folks drop off casseroles and pitch in with things to lend a hand. Guess this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. And it's not like a lot of people know my struggles. They can't read my mind, and I'm not about to announce a request for help because at the same time I want my privacy.

    Silly, huh? Wishing for help but not letting anyone know I need help. I know that must sound stupid.

    I think my T still believes my depression will lift once I "embrace" the idea that my memories are real. They don't seem real. Oh, they seem real enough when I'm in the middle of an FB, but otherwise it all seems so bizarre. It isn't like my dad was ever "Father of the year" or anything, but pinning perp on him is still difficult. I don't understand why I'm having trouble with that.

    So, right now I'm managing to work most days, keep up pretenses with people who know me, cry and sleep a lot in the daytime, up most nights, and just wish I didn't have to breathe anymore. Suicidal ideation, not actively suicidal. I just want to make that distinction. I've always had those thoughts rumbling around in my mind ever since I was a teenager. I just wish one of my attempts had worked, but I'm not in that place anymore of being actively suicidal. Most of the time I just don't have the energy to formulate and follow through with a plan anyhow.

    Sorry for rambling. I think the comment about being in therapy the rest of your life, Mary, has me thinking about all this - about how much longer I will probably be in therapy.

    Thank you for listening.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    lovely_lemon_tree replied to tnmist's response:
    I just wanted to chime in... it also occurred to me that if I don't tell anyone that something is wrong then no one will know.

    It was a bitter pill to swallow.

    I also wonder if I will be in therapy for the rest of my life... and I'm 32. I have been in therapy for coming up on 11 years, like Mary. It's been a long road. I haven't had the same therapist because I get it in my head to move around all over the place, but such is life, I suppose. I don't know that I will ever heal. I wonder if my therapists will retire before my "healing" will be complete. I don't know if it ever will. I fully expect to be watched over, carefully, for the rest of my life.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    marysings replied to tnmist's response:
    I don't understand "embracing" the SA in my past. Do I have to learn to like or love it? I hope not! If you can clarify that, please do.

    I understand the thoughts you expressed about suicide ideation and suicidal. I also attempted it one time and have some regrets that I failed but also am glad I wasn't successful. I dream about suicide all the time but won't try it again. I have a family that would be heart-broken, particularly my four grandchildren.

    I think I can help you with your feelings about your father. My father abused me from 13months to age 9. I loved him for as long as I could remember. He loved me and saved me from my tyrant Mother. Even when I regained past memories after my breakdown, I still loved him. As therapy progressed I got more and more confused about my feelings. Finally Dr.B told me he would never tell me not to love my father. That helped me a lot! Do I still love him? Absolutely! Do I like what he did to me? No!

    Recovery is certainly different for everyone. It's frustrating, for sure.

    I hope you begin to feel better soon.
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    marysings replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    LLT, I understand your thoughts very well.

    I have always seen DrB for therapy. It's pdocs that I seem to go from one to another.

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    tnmist replied to marysings's response:
    Embrace, as in fully believe it happened. I am my own roadblock right now because I waver back and forth between sort of believing my memories and not believing them. He simply meant if I would stop "sitting on the fence" about it I could probably progress some more.

    There is nothing to like/love about abuse. Nothing. Not one iota. There is a part of me that loves both parents simply because they are my parents. That doesn't mean I like them.

    I know I still have a lot of anger to get out. Right now I think it's just expressing itself as depression.

    Anyway, Mary, I hope that helps. I didn't mean to make it sound like I needed to like/love any part of the abuse, no, not at all.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    marysings replied to tnmist's response:
    About two years ago I ran into a friend of my mother's who worked together for many years. She said she had heard I had a break down and asked how I was doing. I replied that I was having some very confusing memories regarding my parents.

    She responded "your mother often told me that she wondered how she could have treated you that way" and that she was ashamed of the things she did. hummmm She never once talked to me about it. Of course since I had no memories, so it never came up.

    Then came the clincher "and I know everything, even all about the banana day".

    I had a break down in the middle of Walmart. Thank goodness I had my sister with me. She drove me home and wouldn't leave me until my husband came home.

    Remembering hurts. Having it validated is crushing.
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart.
    bluerose90 replied to marysings's response:
    (((Hugs Marry))) I understand what you mean.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    tnmist replied to marysings's response:
    Wow, Mary. I can't even imagine how I would handle such an encounter. So, for you, you are saying that you would rather have not had the memories validated? Am I hearing you correctly?

    I have a close friend who is a bit older and has DID (but integrated), and she has told me more than once that she felt like she was going crazy with some of the things she remembered, and having a sibling validate enough for her to know they were true helped her a lot.

    I've started considering all the symptoms that validate my memories, and I'm trying to work up the courage to write them all down because I think it will help cement the truth.

    I just feel so stuck these days. I'm not motivated to lose weight, and I need to lose a LOT, I'm very depressed, and I guess I'm just trying to tread water right now.

    Nearly every week I ask my T if he believes me and if my memories are real. He patiently reaffirms me. But when I think about it, I was brainwashed (as are most if not all SA survivors) into believing that I better keep quiet because no one would believe me anyway and other bad things would happen, and deleting those tapes in my head - I think - will take time and practice. By practice, I mean start telling myself that the memories ARE real - practice telling myself that when the doubts are loud in my head.
    Every day begins with an act of courage and hope: Getting out of bed. - Mason Cooley

    mandybutterflykiss responded:
    Wow... DDT, This is profoundly and powerfully well written. Is it possible to post this in the Helpful Resource Section? I find I may need to return to this often and it would make it easier to find.

    Thank you so much DDT!
    mandybutterflykiss replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    LLT, TNmist's,

    I have been in therapy since age 18 and I am 46 now. I ask my T every session, how much longer, how many more years of this, where is the end to my madness?

    I find myself thinking like LLT, that I will need "watching over" for the rest of my life. After 46 years, shouldn't I be healed already? Shouldn't I be able to live and not just exist with this crap within me?

    I struggle daily with: Do I continue this fight or do I finally succeed at the big S?

    mandybutterflykiss replied to tnmist's response:
    I, too, question all of the time, what is real and what is not. I mean, I know the abuse was real to some extent. It's like the flashbacks, the intrusive memories, current everyday life all blends together for me. I can awaken from a nightmare and that nightmare will stay with me all day, this will trigger the memories, the flashbacks and everything becomes one big blur so I feel lost. The worse part... Nothing about me, not just everything around me, etc... feels real. I question if even I exist or if I'm just a figment of someone's mind. My T states this last part is due to my disassociation.

    What I do know... I want it all to stop and if it refuses to then I want for me to stop.
    Love4Life responded:
    I agree that each person/case is different but we need to share ideas in hopes it helps somebody.
    I think a therapist helps you focus on certain things but can't really heal you. That is for us to do and achieve. How do you do it? Like you mentioned above: each of us must decide...
    I started my journey on this spiritual path that has helped me a lot, if not completely. I'd like to think that I'm free of depression now.
    I got very upset one day and decided that i wanted to live! I changed my attitude towards life and started exercising my mind and body. Meditation, yoga, prayer, walking, painting, hiking or anything similar that engages your mind and body helps in my opinion.
    Another thing that was big help for me is to accept people and things the way they are and to be grateful for what i have, on daily basis.
    I downloaded a report of some kind recently. It's very interesting and encouraging. Here is a link if you want to read it. Hope it helps and good luck.

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