Hi Danni,
You didn't give enough info for anyone to say what's wrong. But I think you're kinda proving my point about this illness known as addiction. Which is a terrible word for an illness. And alcoholism isn't much better. That word also carries negative stigmas, just slightly different ones. Nevertheless, I still maintain that an alcoholic is an addict who's drug of choice is alcohol. I also maintain that those of us who really have this illness, which is a brain illness, have a problem in our brains that make us feel like crap most of the time. It is possible to get clean and sober, and to stay that way, with extreme will power, but very often the person has little to no quality of life. That seems to be what you're saying. And this is probably the main reason for relapse.
An opiate addict can use Mdone or Sub to keep those bad feelings to a minimum but there isn't anything made specifically for alcohol addicts. Therefore, the only other thing I can suggest is to 1st understand the illness. You have some kind of problem is your brain which causes you to feel bad. We don't understand what's going on, but it's a good bet that our brains are lacking in the Feel Good Chemicals (FGC). These would be the endorphins, and several others. These FGC are what keeps a normal person feelings normal. Now don't misunderstand me, if terrible things happen in any persons life, then that person will feel bad. But it happens to us even when things are fine. And if bad things do happen, then our bad feelings go off the charts in intensity. Is this your situation? Has something gone wrong, or are you just losing your will to battle the bad feelings without alcohol? Either way, what can you do without going back to drinking?
You have to learn which behaviors cause your brain to produce the FGC and you need to identify the people, places and things that make you feel worse. Once you do, you have to avoid those people, places and things like the plague, or at least as much as you can. Don't willingly put yourself in a situation that you know will cause bad feelings. You also need to learn safety zones. That would be, places, things, and maybe people, where you feel comfortable and safe. One of my safety zones is the music of the Grateful Dead. Another is the ocean, and walking along the seashore; alone.
Here are few behaviors that will cause the production of FGC. Maybe the best is exercise. A good work out usually helps. Of course if you have lung or heart problems you probably can't do much of that. Another thing is the emotion of Love. This need not be love of another person. It can be any love. Some men love their car. For such a man spending hours beatifying his car can help to produce FGC. Other people love their pet, cat, dog, horse, etc. Spending time with your pet can produce the FGC.
Sex can also produce FGC but I must give some cautions here. I'm not advocating that anyone go rushing out to have meaningless sex with any ole person who's willing. This is especially true for females. I know you girls can get sex very easy, and while the physical activity will cause the production of FGC, the emotions that get involved may cause more bad feelings. Especially if you find a man who's just using you. And while this is more of a problem for a woman, things like this can happen to men too. So let me point out that the physical act of masturbation will also cause the production of the FGC and may be much safer than sex with a stranger.
There are many other things that an cause FGC, and these things will vary from person to person. Each person needs to discover them for yourself. You probably already know many of them. But what you may not have known is that it's a lack of these FGC that's at the root cause of your disease with alcohol. So by consciously trying to make yourself feel good, you may overcome the desire to drink and have a relapse. remember, if you relapse, that's another reason you will then feel bad.